I met up with my dawgs M & J tonight.  We went to see that new movie The Guru, which looked kinda fluffy and dumb from the previews.  But after the collassal letdown that was Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (shoulda just been called Numerous Shots of Sam Rockwell’s Ass) last weekend, I was determined to like anything.  I ended up laughing a lot!  Marisa Tomei has been winning me over lately.  And God Bless Heather Graham, you know that girl is a hard-core actress (no one can utter lines like, “My pussy is the doorway to my soul” with full commitment and not command a little respect).  After the movie I made a stop @ Ricky’s, there was a 50% Blowout Sale so I had to restock on my shit.  M&J didn’t put up a fuss.  Really, I think we all just wanted to stick around the east village a little longer since we all rarely stray too far from our familiar and insular Upper West Side surroundings.

My DVD player is shunning my touch.  I can’t get it to work, can’t get a picture to kick on, and I am now left helpless and restricted to whatever just happens to be on cable.  You can only watch DeGrassi High so many times before you begin to feel like a really stupid person (although I will never stop singing the praises of The N.  That network is the shit!  They rerun Daria like, 400 times a day).  I don’t know what the problem could be.  I’ve tried unplugging it, reattatching it, even pulled an Ike Turner and tried beating it into submission… but no luck.  It’s seriously just ignoring me @ this point and I will not be ignored.  I’m fighting every urge to go out and buy a new, shiner model.  I hear there’s a new Circuit City downtown; they have built it, I must go.

By the way? This shit is the most fucking fabulous thing I have ever seen in my life.  Go forth and purchase.

Oh, a word of advice to my fellow New Yorkers who enjoy a quiet and antisocial subway ride home: Stay away from the first (and especially the last) car on all subway lines.  And to the kinky horndogs out there?  Get thine freaky asses to the 5th car on the F train, cuz bitches, anything goes up in there!   Okay, okay… see here for details.    Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Wanna know how slow I am?  I just downloaded a bunch of mp3’s the other day (it was the full extent of any real ACTIVITY on my day off), one of them was “Freedom ‘90″ by George Michael.  I was never really into this guy much, despite the fact that I heard his shit all through my junior high school existance (my carpool leader was a die-hard fan.  You don’t know true fear until you’re strapped tight against the backseat of a 1990 Nissan flying down the Sam Houston Tollway @ 90 miles an hour, while the woman behind the front wheel screams along with every single word of Listen Without Prejudice).  With the exception of a few of his lesser-known songs, I have not been a big fan.  But I think I heard some of his shit blasting from the Hudson Bar the other night @ work and I got all nostalgic.  So I’m sitting on the A train, humming along to “Freedom” and then it hits me: dude, that song is totally about him being gay!

Am I the last person in America to realize this shit?!  George Michael came out like, back in the 90’s and I am just now picking up the clues.  How slow am I?  Despite my own heteroflexibility I have abosolutely zero Gaydar.  That’s it, I am gonna start eating more fruit and vegetables.  Maybe more brain food will get the blood cells flowing a little faster.  I swear, sometimes I’m so far behind that I think I’m actually ahead.

Robbie Williams, though?  I’m calling that one out right fucking now.  I’m a little slow to catch on but I’m not that stupid.

So I checked this snooty woman into the hotel the other night.  This really prissy young thing who refused to leave her credit card or anything and actually got her way b/c she’s apparently this big repeat guest of our hotel properties.  She gave us her “stage name” and instructed that we are to not under any circumstances give it out to anybody @ all, made it sound like this really big deal too.  Yeah yeah yeah, whatever.  For some reason I just kept being really nice and helpful to her and it’s a damn good thing I did.  Turns out, she’s a celebrity!  An porn film star, in fact.  I started to catch on after she kept leaving room keys for her “co-workers” to pick up… friends of hers that she was expecting, ppl with names like “Zorro” and “Savannah.”  Stefan and I did an internet search on her and apparently she’s quite the busybee.  51 film credits to her name, including Honey Bunz, Motel 69, and The Oral Adventures of Craven Moorehead (Part 15).  You gotta give her props.  51 films in just 2 years.  It’s good to be a giver.  Needless to say, I’ve made it my #1 priority to see to it that she is enjoying her stay with us.  And that she comes again.  Hee.

Hey, I got a cool news today!  The director of my last film project emailed with updates, we’re screening in New York next month!!!  Says the film is stupidly funny and that they’re just finishing up the mixing of the soundtrack right now.  I honestly can’t wait to see it. “Mission: Idiot.”  Keep your eyes peeled, ok? 

I heard that Nell Carter died!  Dude, I was SO all about her show “Gimme a Break” back when I was a Texas brat.  I never had cable TV, so I lived off of 70’s/early 80’s shows in syndication and that show was one of my favorites.  I actually have the theme song on my mp3 player right now.  If you really wanna know the truth, I think this is all a publicity stunt and that Nell Carter is very much alive and just reinventing herself as Frenchie Davis, that big buxom powerhouse on this season of American Idol.  Dude, for real, you watch that mess and tell me I’m not right.  Ohhh, The American Idol fever has already hit me and knocked me out.  I have been ACHING for tonight’s episode for the past six days!  Simon Cowell is such an evil man, but funny.

I enjoy changing my desktop wallpaper every few days, and these guys @ MeCompany.com have some really cool stuff.  Click on the little white dots.  Go nuts.

Been chatting with my buddy Nessa lately, which has been nice.  She was the first friend I made when I moved to New York and I once had something of a (SECRET!!!) crush on her, she was so the Felicity to my Noel. She’s the cutest thing in the world, as yu’ll see, and is actually rocking the student film scene @ Hunter College.  I don’t get to see her much, but we drift into touch every few months and I always enjoy hearing what she’s up to.  I’ve been in such a self-absorbed mode lately, all kinds of dum little non-dramas.  It’s good sometimes to just find a way out of that through an old friend.

By the way? To the woman who decided to squeeze her mammoth-sized ass into the tiny two-seater section with me on the train this morning, I have one thing to say: I did not appreciate that shit.  Ma’am, I’m sure that you were just as tired as the rest of us and just as well-deserving of a seat, but for real… what were you thinking?  There was a whole empty seat right across from us and yet you were damn determined to buddy up next to me.  I don’t know if you noticed or not but I was pretty much wedged up against the metal railing from 190th to 59th, and it didn’t help the situation much when you kept taking off your coat and then putting it back on… then taking it back off again.  Not cute, lady.  Not one damn bit.  The next time you see me on the subway platform, you just pretend that you didn’t see me at all, ok?

Been a weird week, kids.  What have I been up to?  Not too sure, all I know is that I woke up yesterday morning on the hood of a beatup El Camino parked somewhere off a dirt road in Tijuana.  Sounds all Y Tu Mama Tambien, but not so much.  My head hurt, I was naked, and I had “Smitty’s Bitch” tattooed across my hip.  Upon the graces of an approaching chicken truck, I hitched a ride to the airport and grabbed the first flight back to Manhattan.  I’m here now.  Continue living your lives comepletely indifferent anyway. 

New York is colder than a mofo.  I don’t even know how to handle the cold winds anymore, it’s just too exhausting.  My body is not built for that much resistance!  It’s funny though, the way the weather brings the good ppl of Gotham City together.  For once, our frozen, shivering asses all sort of find solace in a crowded (i.e. WARM) subway train.  I guess we’ve got a lot more chilly days coming to us, though.  As long as I’ve got my Chloraseptic throat spray close at hand, I’ll be all to the good.

My buddy J has a site now!  I have been hounding her to get something up and running and woo-hoo, there it is.  TheGothamDiva.com.  She’s funny as hell, you guys should check her shit out.  Welcome to the web, J.  Now you are officially just as lame as I am.

So, I have decided to put off the plan to get a dog.  For now, anyway.  I’m just not ready.  I think the moment of relaization came when I found a dead mouse in an old, rotting pizza box sitting under my bed.  (I’m kidding.  Heh.  Okay, not really).  Anyway, I’m thinking I need to learn to maybe clean up after myself a little bit more before I bring a small, cute puppy into my life.  Also, BJ sort of threatened to kill it if I start to neglect it.

By the way, do all of you NYC kids know about $5 Mondays @ DRAMATICS NYC?  That promotion is too good to pass up.  I have never been too proud to ignore a goodass deal, and I will straight up march my ass down to Supercuts for the $15 cut if I’m strappin’ for cash!  But yeah, DRAMATICS NYC is the shit.  I highly recommend going to the Broadway location on the Upper West Side.  Ask for my boy, Eagle (yes, his real name.  You know all those fools have insane names!) and be sure to tip him good.  On a salon side-note?  I recently found this SPIKING GLUE by Got2b and it’s kickass.  Seriously, just plaster in a little bit of this shit and it virtually solidifies your hair into a chunky shape that no weapon forged can ever destroy.  I love it.

Adolph finally hired a new guy for the front desk.  This means that I will soon be rid of these damned overnight shifts, once and for all!  To be honest?  I’ll kind of miss them.  It’s been nice kind of being my own little boss and getting to run the front desk all by my lonesome in the wee hours of the morning.  But it’ll be good to get back on some sort of normal sleeping schedule again.  You know the insomnia is bleak and terminal once you’ve begun to memorize the nightly infomercial lineup.  (Is it wrong that I howl like a madman everytime Judith Light tearfully interviews another acne-stricken housewife?)

Have you guys checked out my new message board on the home page?  I just added it and I like it way better than the other one.  It’s smaller, it’s cuter, and it will make all of your dreams come true (ok, not really, but two out of three ain’t bad).  Go post something!  Hurry!  Go!  I’ll wait here. 

I have been catching up on The Drew Carey Show reruns and I freakin’ love this show!  I never really watched it much when it was big on Prime Time a few years back but I’m all about it.  Only in TV Land can you randomly burst into song.  My favorite opening is the one set against The Vogues “Five O’Clock World” where they’re all dancing in the office and Big Fat Mimi drops down from the ceiling in a cage.  But I gotta give it up for the “Cleaveland Rocks” opening too, cuz I was all about The Presidents of the USA back in my 10th grade days…  On today’s ep, Drew & the Gang went on a road trip to New York and ended up getting into a lip-synching, drag queen show-down with Mimi and her gang.  Rocky Horror vs.Priscilla Queen of the Desert.  It was fucking hysterical!  Drew and his crew can really break it down. 

I keep envisioning everyone breaking out into a bigass musical number @ work sometimes.  The front lobby is basically canopied under a huge, high glass atrium ceiling covered in ivy and our front desk is like, 18 feet long — it’s practically a stage.  There are special lights everywhere too.  They practically designed the lobby for us to dance in!  I envision a kickass chorus number, with all the Hudson Bellman hoisting the Front Desk girls up onto the desk, where they’d all perform high-kicks (like the Rockettes)!  Then the housekeeping staff would gloriously bound onto the lobby floor, vaulting over each other gracefully, and backflipping across the distance.  The music would soar, the buildup getting stronger and then ENTER SPRITEBOY!  I’d leap onto the front desk and slide across its vast distance like a rockstar, through the girls legs… and then fucking crash into the wall and die.

I swear, my flamingness can just kick up out of nowhere sometimes.

Called in sick today.  I got headcold from work!  The damn front lobby has been freezing lately, it’s the clammy air blasting in from outside, sending all of us into chill fits.  And those heatlamps behind the front desk? not much doing the trick.  I hope everybody ends up calling in sick so that somebody will freakin’ fix the problem.  In the meantime, I’m just trying to nurse myself back to my normal state of grogginess.  It’s been a long, leisurely day of soup, juice, long naps, and heavy meds.  Kind of riding on a woozy, light-headed high… I feel like Anna Nicole Smith.

So my boy Stefan did his research and freaking found my website, dammit!  I’m busted. SpriteboyWorld.com is off-limits to my co-workers, for obvous reasons, and I have gone to great lengths to keep it on the hush.  Jax, in her time here (and only out of pride for her little spritely friend), would often FWD my rants and entries to ppl @ work… so, word about the site has been rumbling around for awhile now, and Stefan has been determined to find out exactly all the smack I talk on this here mess.  I’ve made deliberate attempts to throw him and everyone off, but he found it somehow.  I know b/c I caught him scrolling through it the other day @ work (as a result, I had to beat him unconscious).  I think he GOOGLED me or something.  Ugh, whatever.  I will not be intimidated.  Let the work-related venting carry on, I say.  Might as well just sign my guestbook while you’re lurking, Stefan, you little sneak!   Be afraid, boy, I know where you work.

Ohhh, I like this new “Pictures” song by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow.  Makes me feel all poor and reflective and world-weary.  They both just embody all that is white trash and rock.  I hear that song and I wanna sit around in overalls and just stare @ a lake and clutch a bottle of moonshine.  Not drink it or anything, just clutch it.. you know, cuz I bet that shit tastes nasty.  On a related topic, I’m thinking about getting a blender.  I have a deep love for fruit smoothies (some might even call it an addiction), and the thought of dropping $4.50 on one everytime I get a craving just digusts me…  It’s gotta be pretty easy to make your own right?  I dated this cute lil thing over the summer, she worked @ a fruit stand and hooked me up all the time.  While the thought of another summer fling is appealing, I’m thinking a blender will just save me some heartache in the end, so a-blender-shopping I shall go…

BTW, is it just me or does Jena Malone look a lot like Avril Lavine?  They both really annoy me and I refuse to speak to either of them until they go get real names.

I watched the Golden Globes last night, it helped pass time between the many doses of Robitussin I was downing.  Why the hell did “The Hours” win so much?  Was I the only one who left that movie feeling drained of all life?  The movie was just weird.  Made no sense at all, it was just like, “Hey, wanna see three really fucked up, kinda gay women?  Look!”  I didn’t understand, what was the point?  And what was with all the repressed lesbianism anyway, doesn’t that sort of sent the women’s movement back like, 30 years?  Nicole Kidman though… WOW.  She was the one thing I came prepared to hate, yet ended up really amazed by.  Oh, and that guy from The Sheild!   I’m glad he won for his new show, I always liked him on The Commish.  I’m also very happy that My Big, Fat Greek Wedding didn’t win anything.  Cute as it was, the movie just didn’t deserve all the hype it got.  Of course, this might just be my own emotional reaction to the contempt I hold for Hollywood’s embrace of the films star, Nia Vardalos.  Seriously, just b/c she’s “not typical Hollwood pretty” is NO reason to herald her performance.  She was okay, she wasn’t as great as the press is saying though.  I think everyone just praises her simply b/c she’s a little heavy and she’s brunette and it’s “just sooooo anti-mainstream”, which seems just as limp and superficial as praising her simply for being blonde and cute and thin.  There, I said it.  AND I WILL SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

Hey, check out my new Polls page!  I know no one cares about any of this mess, but I for some reason just am endlessly fascinated by it.  Place your votes.  Humor me, the sad little man that I am.

**  Wanna take a sec to send some big big love to my buddy B, who’s sorta having a rough time.  He’s a very talented kid (currently stuck in the South) and annoyingly better-looking than me, but he’s also hella cool, so I’ll just deal with my bitterness and shut my face.  Keep your head up, boy.  No day but today.  **

I saw Chicago the other day and I was truly floored by it!  I’ve never been that big on musicals, but this movie was off the hook!  The dancing, the singing, the half-nekkeeness… but I was mostly mesmerized and blown away by enormousity of Queen Latifah’s rack.  Seriously, folks, I was not prepared — her boobs are HUUUUUUUUUUGE!  They were like small dogs strapped to her chest!  She nearly smothered Renee Zellweger with those things.  I saw it with my own eyes.  Go see her (and her boobs) @ theaters nation-wide.  And if big-boned black women ain’t yer thang, go see Catherine Zeta Jones.  The woman is HOT, I’ve almost forgiven her for doing that low-rent T-Mobile commercials.  Avoid looking @ Renee, her pinched little face and bony little body was sort of annoying.  Somebody get her a burger.

I just want to go on record saying that I think Q.Latifah is a fucking powerhouse and it’s awesome that she’s getting all this buzz for her performance.  I’ve been a big fan of hers since forever, takin’ it back to Living Single.  Hell, I even remember when she was Will girlfriend on Fresh Prince for a little while, she was just cool.  Something about the persona she presents just really appeals to ppl.  She could kick yer ass or sex you up… and probably kill yu doing either.  It’s fucking fantastic.  And I know she just pled guilty to those DUI charges and you know what?  Still like her.  Makes me just wanna take her to Starbucks and ply her with coffee till she sobers up some.

So, I’m OFFICIALLY LEGIT @ Hudson now!  It’s been 90 days and my probationary period is over.  Now it’s supposed to get good (yeah right).  They pay goes way up, the benefits kick in, and I get to start pulling the “But I have seniority!” card.  There’s supposed to be a bigass Going Away Party tomorrow night in the Hudson Penthouse for my gal Jax.  Woo-hoo!  I’m looking fwd to the fun, seeing Jax off with a bang, and hopefully more making out with my coworkers. 

Meanwhile, did everyone see the new Rolling Stone cover?  Yes, that’s me.  Justin needed a favor so I let them paste his head onto my body.  Just don’t make a big deal out of it, ok?  Trying to keep it on the hush…

I joined a gym today.  I was too lazy to actually go down there and sign up but I did, however, walk really fast over to the phone when I made the call.  Truth be told, I was scarfing down some Domino’s pizza when I setup my account over the phone, but whatever.  I ended up going with Crunch, which is supposed to be a kickass gym.  Just to ensure that I’ll actually go, I picked the location furthest from my house.  Normally, this would be a bad idea but it’s actually much easier this way b/c if I get down there, I’ll actually make myself work.  Plus the $69 a month will give me a little bit of bitter fuel too.  I’m hoping all of this hype will kick my ass into gear.. or at least get my ass downtown to the trendy east village more.  Good shopping there.

So between Joe Millionaire, Star Dates, The Surreal Life, and American Idol 2, I don’t know where to go first.  Reality TV is a fucking virus and it’s going ot wipe us all out.  In the meantime, though?  Allow your asses to be mesmerized by my new favorite show: MTV’s Battle of the Sexes.

The concept is simple: get a bunch of girls and boys from MTV’s 2 reality shows and make them compete for money, film everything, and then let the world see how stupid they all are.  This is MY SHOW!  I will be glued to my TV every week @ 10pm all spring to watch it, do you understand?  Watching these Real World and Road Rules fools run around trying to win money and kill each other every week?  I’m sorry but that’s just damn good TV.  I spent the past 12 years watching and loving and hating this show and these casts and the storylines, so this show is even a gultier pleasure!  I was all about the Battle of the Seasons last year, I cannot wait for the shit that happens this season now that it’s all boys vs. girls.  They picked the biggest dramaqueens of every cast and put them together and I fucking love it.  My favorites include:

Puck - what would this show be w/o the King of Controversy?  While he’s not my personal favorite (I kind of find him crusty and gross), he totally brings the drama.

Amaya - she craves drama and will probably cry @ least 400 times during this show.

Gladys - the girl got kicked off her show for bitchslapping a guy who called her a bitch.  Now she’s back and she’s pregnant.  Don’t you mess with a pregnant black woman.

James - this guy is a doof.  he’s big fratboy meathead and the sheer, brainless ”Take one for the team, dude!” comments of his never cease to crack me up and make me hate him.

Beth - kill her!  Kill the bitch!

Jisela - she makes good TV.  She throws down, gets into fights, and likes acting slutty.  At least she’s eager.

Dan - catty.  bitchy.  gay.  What’s not to love?

Rachel - the girl is just badass.  i could picture her kicking ANYONE’S ass.

Antoine - I have an official raging crush on this boy.  I can’t explain it.  Just look @ him.  Teach me, Antoine… teach me the ways of gay love, Euro-style.  Our love could be so pure.

Melissa - what the hell can I say?  I adore this girl, she’s hysterical and funny and got more attitude than I’m prepared to handle.  Her site is back up now, I’m SO happy!  Did yu see the smackdown she had with MormonJulie in the first 5 minutes of episode 1?  I love it.  And by the way?  JULIE DESERVED IT! 

Yes, it’s another reality show.  Yes, it’s MTV.  But guys, trust me, this show is so addictive.  I plan to vent about it constantly.  Just brace yourselves.  At least we have American Idol 2 starting next week!

I was parked on the A train, heading back home the other day and I was flipping through the new issue of PAPER, the coolest magazine in NYC (see my Links page).  I come across the editorials, right?  Well I’m scanning, I’m liking, and then I find this letter sent in by some punk calling himself Spriteboy.  Naturally, I’m all “What the f…?” and then I read into it further and realize that it’s me.  It’s ME!  I’d sent in this little rave some time ago and I guess they finally read it.  They even wrote above my entry: Written in Crayon…  Hee!  Anyway, I thought it was kind of cute.  So if any of you end up browsing for a bit @ the mag rack next time you’re freeloading @ B&Nobles, check it out.  Page 22.

I bought 8 blueberry muffins on the way home from work this morning.  Eight little cups of buttery, sugary tooth-decaying sweetness.  So damn addictive.  I need to be stopped.