I got the greatest freaking holiday card in the mail from one of my coolass website readers the other day. It totally took me by suprise. First I was all, “Um, how’d they get my mailing address?” and then it was just about me tearing open the envelope and finding out what they sent. At first I had a quick mini heart-attack b/c the envelope was marked OFFICIAL BUSINESS and I thought, “Shit, I’m getting evicted.” Luckilly, it was just part of the packaging — the card was a report card grading me on all kinds of shit, which was hysterical. The entire thing just brightened my dark mood.

Paris, I have no clue who you are or where you’re from or how you even got my information, but thank you so much for taking the time out to do that mess. Who the hell stands around in line @ the store waiting to payup and goes, “Ohh… that spriteboy fool from the Internet likes this place, maybe I’ll get him a little something”? Dude, I don’t know you are, where you’re from, or what you did as long as you love me, ye-eh-eah… Ok, Backstreet flashback there. Sorry. Your note brought a warmth to my heart and put a goofy grin on my face, and the Target girftcard you sent put a spring in my step, too. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You ROCK, and I’m going to think of you everytime I enjoy a Target-brand Pop-Tart. Now tell me who you are before I have the restraining order issued.

In the spirit of self-renewal, I got myself up early today @ 10am (well, it’s early for me) and headed downtown for breakfast. It was a gorgeous day and I didn’t let my dead iPod battery break my stride, I just slapped on my sunglasses and kept on walking (luckilly, I brought my camera with me so I wasn’t completely digitally deprived).

The joys and charms of Soho and Chinatown kept me amused all damn day and gave me lots to gawk at… life from an angle of 5′4″ can be kind of cool sometimes. It was a great way to start things off, I’ve gotta begin doing this more. I’ve gotta begin doing a LOT of things more.

Goals for 2004, which I MIGHT Follow-Through On:
- manage my money better
- read more books (and no, I’m not doing that just b/c Jai Rodriguez says it makes you a more interesting person. that aimless mofo can throw himself in front of a bus — and take those shitty “hip tips” with him. Culture Vulture, my ass)
- hit the gym three times a week and stay for at least an hour
- get back in front of a camera, be it commercial, ad, indie, or amatuer porn
- write more letters and make more phone calls just to say hi
- get a hairstyle that makes sense

Alright, dudes, it’s New Years Eve and I’ve managed to weasel out of working the Boy George/Taboo party @ Hudson tonight. I’m off to find some fun! The city is a madhouse and I’m actually stepping out to brave some of that rowdy shit. Can’t believe a whole year has gone by. Thank you, God, for putting me on this rollercoaster and getting me through safely. Thank you, my friends and family, who put up with me on a regular basis and manage to make me feel loved. And thank you, winners, for tagging along on this ride with me.

And away we go.

I can go over a week without calling home before the guilt cripples me. I call home and start to chat with mom for a bit, then we usually have the “home for a visit soon” tug-of-war for the first 10 minutes or so — me, always arguing that the plane flies both ways, and her, just wishing I’d come home and see her. There’s nothing to say back to that, you know? As ready as I am to be logical and reasonable and independant and hold my ground… it’s Mom. What am I gonna say? So, we talk about other things and then I finally cut things short b/c I realize that it’s a 25-minute call and I’m probably already over my monthly minutes and she’ll just stay on with me all night if I let her (a fact I love, in addition to being annoyed by). She begins her “wishing we could talk more often” thing and I suddenly get really upset that she doesn’t understand that I REALLY need to go, so I’m quick with my, “Ok, mom, I love you. Bye.” And there’s a quick pause — a really quick one — on her end, and it’s almost like I can feel her smile go away, and she says, “Alright, son. I love you, baby boy. Bye bye.”

And suddenly I feel like the worst, ugliest, most hateful boy in the world.

I’ll see a commercial on TV that I know my mom probably really likes, or I hear the name of a woman who has the same name as say, my mom’s best friend. Then I envision them (this woman and my mom) standing in the aisle @ Wal-Mart, where they’ve just run into each other, and they’re catching up on things… and my mom’s talking about me. Saying really sweet things. Talking happy about her 24yr old son in New York City following his dream of being an actor, smiling while she talks, and not once thinking about the way he rushes her off the phone or hardly calls or fights with her about coming home to visit or gets annoyed when she asks if he’s had any good auditions lately. I picture my mom, in her little way, having wonderful things to say and not holding my shitty behavior against me the way I probably would to her or my dad or my sister. And she goes on about her day, doing the things that she does, and she just misses me a lot. And when I call? she ends up spending most of the time listening to ME bitch about things before cutting her off b/c I need to get on the train and NOT think about her.

It seems like the older I get, the harder it is to connect with my family the way I did before. Parts of me doesn’t want to at all. Parts of me is here, in my world, in my head, trying to figure my life out and steer things into the right direction and learn the things that I need to learn… and then a part of me sits up late at night, realizing the way I can be sometimes, kicking myself for what an ass I am.

My family matters so much to me, more than I think I let them realize. It feels like I’m pushing against then really hard. I just wish I could make everything go away and stop struggling with this all the time.

Oh, for any other Real World junkies out there? they’re doing an interview with Danny from New Orleans tonight on MTV, and with his ex-military, quasi-closeted boyfriend Paul. They’re gonna show Paul’s face, pixel-free! I’m not sure I can handle seeing the face of the man who been rocked Danny’s body for the past 5 years (and what a fine body it is), but I saw clips of Melissa on the previews so I’m tuning in. I LOVED this season of The Real World, it was sort of the last cast I really liked.

I have no clue what I’m doing for New Years Eve. Everything costs like, $100. Last month my cell bill cranked out at $187 and my wallet still hurts. How does that happen?! I think it was b/c I just went over my measly little plan, so I upgraded my plan with TMobile and now I get unlimited weeknights and weekends and 300 texts mssgs a month, or something. I hate money. Hate it. Rent is definately gonna be a few days late this month.

The whole Nick & Jessica hype is completely lost on me. I see them in magazines and being commented on by Vh1 smart-alecks and blahblahblah… I just don’t get it. Why is their show so popular? I’ve watched this show and I think it’s stupid — and not in a fun and silly Osbourne’s-type way. They’re fucking vanilla bland and it’s not like they’re just normal ppl living their lives in front of cameras, it’s obvious that they’re like, trying to FORWARD their careers. Nick seems like he works really hard at trying to look like a non-celebrity, like, he wants the public to go, “Aw he’s just a guy who likes to sing.” I’m not so easily fooled, and I think he’d dump Jessica down a sewer grate if it meant the record label would double his funds. Look at how fast he got outta the 98 Degrees thing — and I must say, it’s actually kind of depressing to see the guys from the group just sitting around Nick & Jessica’s house, watching TV, and eating their food. And Anna Nicole Smith is officially the queen of dumb blondes, so nothing that Jessica says or does will ever really be good enough for me. It’s gotta suck being Jessica Simpson: you know you really failed when you set out to do a self-parody and you still wind up being B-list at it. Have you seen Anna Nicole lately? She looks GOOD.

I got three new pairs of pants this week. Green, black, and kahki cargos. A bit played out, but they were only $19. Post-holiday shopping is where it’s at. With both tax season coming up (I ALWAYS oew money) and my rent going up in April, I have a feeling it’s gonna be a winter of poverty. A little less Domino’s, a little more PB&J and frito pie.

So, I caught that korean sci-fi action movie, Volcano High, rerunning on cable for the billionth time the other day. At first, I didn’t get the whole re-dubbed, hip-hop thing but now I REALLY like it. It’s kind of like Donnie Darko + The Matrix, but with goofy humor. What a cool highschool. Are all the high schools in the Orient all minimal and modern like that? Does everyone wear dark suits, travel in perfectly photogenic packs, and have cool hair and clear skin? I used to have my hair like that lead guy, but it never looked as good as his. Asian kids always have the best hairstyles, man. When I was poor and friendless back in Texas, I’d go to the Mall (whenever I could bum a ride) and see the asian kids from First Colony. The girls were the hottest things my private-school eyes had seen and my metrosexual urgings were hella envious of the asian boys’ clothes and cars. They always sat around in piles at the food court and they all had beepers (cuz this was before cellphones really took off) and it was just so sickeningly cool. I would have given anything to kick it with them, but it was (and is) just such an elitist crew. My last girlfriend was Korean and she ran with a pretty rowdy crew, they all lived in Soho and we’d go out in like, groups of 15. It was insane and cool to be hanging out with other kids who also looked like anime characters. Anyway, yeah, I just ordered the Volcano High Bonus Disc from Netflix. Fun movie, right thurr.

I find it discomforting when a day goes by that I do not see the Outkast “Hey Ya” video. The song is what? MONTHS old and yet I still can’t get that shit outta my head. Hell, it’s my new ringtone! Don’t even let me tell you about my deep aspiration to tour with the band and perform that song — I wanna be the guy who does the “Uh-oh!” part of the chorus. Just that part, tho. What’s cooler than being cool, fellas? Ice Cold. Let’s not fight about this, ok? You people know what I’m talking about.

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
Turning 24 really felt like deal b/c I’ve always associated Adulthood with that age. Like, after 24 you’re no longer “a young man” and it’s no longer impressive that you’re on your own. I guess embarking on life without a roommate was sort of a big accomplishment for me. So was getting cast in that film with Pavement Studios, just b/c I hadn’t auditioned for anything in a really long time, and it felt good to know I was still able to get the jobs I really wanted… even if I didn’t really want them that bad.

(Btw, that’s my dawg Stefan in the new issue of Pavement Magazine. He’s the sullen boy in the “Teenage Hermit” layout. A bit fitting, if you ask me.)

2. What was your biggest disappointment?
This past year hasn’t carried much dissappointment for me, actually. I’ve had some really great fun and met some especially wonderful people. I wish I’d been in better touch with family, though, and our country having to go to war sucked too, obviously.

3. What do you hope the new year brings?
Clarity and Direction. I feel like I’ve been idle for a bit too long.

4. Will you be making any New Year’s resolutions? If yes, what will they be?
Ugh, this question is way too loaded with responsibility, and if I end up skimping on my resolutions then you all will know… (Ok fine. Go to the gym more)! Next!

5. What are your plans for New Year’s Eve?
TBA.

Ohh, I got to see Kiki & Herb’s Christmas Show “O Cum All Ye Faithful”! The show was totally soldout and you had to STAND the entire time, but dammit, it was worth it. Kiki performed everything from holiday classics to holidays originals (”Banging in the Nails”, and ode to the Crucificiton) and from alternative rock (”Smells Like Teen Spirit”) to hip-hop anthems (I damn near lost my shit when she busted out with “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…”), she ROCKED. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. It was pretty much their final show in New York, but I hear they’re doing a limited run in London. God save the Queen, innit.

Yes, that was me strutting around Soho this afternoon, just rocking the SHIT out of that cuteass, gray Armani jacket. How does a wayward, financially-impotent metroboy of sprite happen across such a precious article? Nobody’s talking, but everybody’s got suspicions, and most signs point to a very sweet and sly blond boy, who only RECENTLY leaked the url of his secret webjournal to me. That’s right, winners, Randyboy’s got a blog! It’s engaging, it’s deliciously cheesy, and it’s fucking adorable.* I’d love to give you all the link, but he’s threatened to take away my new jacket if I do, and I’m sorry, winners, but my wardrobe matters way much more to me than any of you. However, I highly recommend you all have a quick go at the dashing young weblogger over @ BadWound.com, his name’s Adam and I had the pleasure of spanking him recently. Ok, not really. But he did meetup with me and my friends for lunch downtown the other day and we spent the afternoon darting in and out of East Village shops, scoping out sales, clerks, and groping display mannequins. Adam’s funny as hell and is one of the few ppl I know who isn’t comepletely in love with New York City… but I try not to hold it against him, he’s an overwhelmed student at the uberangsty Columbia Unversity, where everyone is broody and disaffected. Be sure to bookmark his site and let him know his hair looks good.

In other cool webby news: I got an email from my web server tech support notifying me that I’ve exceeded my monthly bandwith. Apparently, my traffic stats are a bit out of control — I had to buy additional webspace to continue being hosted without any problems! Woo-hoo! I’m not sure who all is reading me these days, but thanks for stopping by. I read all the emails and comments that come through, some of you have written some truly appreciated shit… and some of you get deleted on sight. Ahem. This blog has definately given me something important since I started it, and I’m glad that it seems to give you all a little something too.

Have you seen that show Rich Girls on MTV? We had the crew staying @ the hotel over the summer during the shoot and those production kids used to come in at the end of the day just shaking their heads talking about, “You guys aren’t going to believe how stupid these girls are.” I watched my first episode today and they were right. Does wealth really make you dumb? I loved how they were sitting around and Ally tells Jaime that she’s the smartest person she knows.

Ally: “No, for real. Like, intellectually? you totally surpass everyone else I know.”
Jaime: “What’s surpass?”

I fucking love it.

So was it just me or did it not really feel especially Christmas-y this year? What was up with that? Maybe it’s just b/c I wasn’t with family, but I feel like it was just a really long weekend or something. Weird. I got to spend some nice time with my friends, caught up on some movies (Big Fish was amazing, ya’ll), and did me some serious post-holiday shopping. Midtown was a trainwreck! I should have known better than to hit Herald Square in the afternoon on the day after Christmas, I barely escaped alive. But I have a lot of really cute clothes now so it evens out. Woot!

* Don’t worry, albeit their comparable fondness for Tori Amos, that Randy is definately NOT him…. nor is that sordid shit (although the bootyliciousness and naughty exhibitionist inclinations are strikingly similar).

Had Christmas Eve dinner tonight upstate with some really wonderful ppl, Kai and the absolutely beautiful Mishi from work were both there too. We had fondu and wine (it was AWESOME). I liked it! Most everyone @ the shindig was German, and dammit, what a great night I had. Just me and the Germs. I left around 11pm and caught the last train to Manhattan, which got me in just at midnight, and it was just so gorgeous outside and I was in such a great Christmas-y mood, so I made my was across the sparkly slums of Harlem @ 125th street and caught the A train home.

Spriteboy Speaks

Btw, all of today’s Damn Anthems are holiday favorites of mine that are currently in heavy rotation on my iPod. I suggest you all sample that shit.

In keeping tradition with how we did things up in my mom’s house, I’m sleeping in the living room tonight near the tree. Well, that’s sort of a tradition… see, we quit doing the Christmas tree thing after I was about 6. Inner city Houston wasn’t the friendliest area of town, and having a big bright christmas tree just a-blazing in the front window basically served as an open invite to all the hugs and theives in our hood. “Hey we got gifts in here! COME ROB US!” After a few Christmases of waking to find we’d been robbed, we just quit with the whole tree nonsense and found other alternatives. My dad would just duct tape the christmas lights around the living room coffee table, my mom would pile all the gifts and stockings on top of it, and we’d just sleep in a big pile around it. A little left of normal, I know, but dammit I loved it just the same.

It’s Christmas Eve, winners. Tomorrow morning I’m opening my presents, making myself breakfast, and going to see Peter Pan. Low-key for shizzy, but it’s how I like to do things. It’s gonna be a great day. And the fact that the N is going to begin rerunning the entire My So-Called Life series soon in 2004? is enough to bring my fool ass to tears of elation, man. I hope everyone out there gets to do something fun and feel-good, and I hope ya’ll are with ppl who love ya too. Merry Christmas, peeps.

I came home from work tonight to find Tori Amos crooning something about me having myself a merry christmas, a crackling fireplace DVD playing on my TV screen, and this tiny tree sitting in my living room — all decked out, lit with trimmings, and just glowing the hell up in my place. It took my breath away. Enter Randyboy, with this sweet holiday suprise and that big goofy smile of his. I’ve been making big show about being indie and urban and nonchalant about this whole Christmas-Without-the-Fam thing, but it’s honestly had me all kinds of sad the past few weeks. This little bite of Christmas totally melted me and my big facade. We needed a little bit of Christmas up in here, I guess, and now we’ve got some. Thursday morning’s gonna be exactly what it should be, and I’m gonna be a happy sprite.

New and improved blogging on the way, winners! Several wonderful things have been cracking my bleak winter blues lately and I hafta lay it all out soon before I forget. Got a holiday snack package in the mail from Grandma today (once again, she’s the only one who ever mails me things around the holidays)! Fudge, cookies, rice krispie squares, and CHORIZO!!! Can we say rejuvination? OH YES.

*Yes, btw, those are presents under there too, but I’m not supposed to open them till Thursday morning. Ahem. We’ll see…