My G’ma left our lives tonight. It had been a long and tiring journey, this hospital life she was enduring, and I think @ nearly 80yrs old, she was ready to rest. I’ve never lost someone really close to me before, I always sort of guessed it would be tragic and excruciating… but when they told me, I just let out this deep deep breath and knew it was ok that it happened. Her husband, her best friend, and her pastor (all three very defining relationships in her life) were all there with her when she went and it just warms my heart to know this b/c not everyone gets to leave that way. She deserved that.

It’s weird. I honestly don’t know why I’m posting about this on my blog, maybe b/c I just don’t know what else to do @ the moment. She was one of the first things I wrote about on here anyway, and it feels nice to say good things about her to whoever wants to hear them. She’s always been so nurturing within her church and the retirement community they live in, cooking meals and checking in on folks after a death had shaken things up. Now she’s the one who’s gone and someone else will soon be checking in on my G’pa — such a simple and natural transition, and yet so jarring how quickly it happens.

I’m happy that my G’ma played the piano. I’m happy that she always had her faith to stand strong in. I’m happy she was a single working mother for a time and as a result always held working-class moms in high regard. I’m happy she learned how to use email. I’m happy she got to see how much she truly mattered to her husband, after all the years of his distance and sometimes careless disregard. I’m happy she took herself to the salon every week to get her hair done. I’m happy that she taught me how to make really good spaghetti sauce. I’m happy she learned to embrace her son’s interracial marriage and formed a special relationship with my mom. I’m happy that I got to give her my LIVESTRONG bracelet and sing her a song. I’m happy she had so much love in her life, especially towards the end, when so many others of her Generation sometimes leave feeling forgotten. I’m happy she didn’t dissappear from my life after I left home for college. I’m happy she was proud of me. I’m happy she’s home with God.

My heart now is with my Dad. He, my mom, and sister were actually on the way to the hospital when she passed, and I know this is hurting him bad. He’s never been a soldier-type too strong to cry, and I love him for that. It’s surreal, in many ways this is probably the most like a scared little boy my dad has felt in a really long time, and yet I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so grown and assured.

There are several reasons why I’m a horrible person. I have to be @ work in a few hours and don’t have the time to list all the reasons why, so I’ll just skip the bulk of it and say what CURRENTLY I suck as a human being. Bear with me, this story is a little involved.

I haven’t seen my dog in 3 weeks.

My friend Shan came to visit a few weeks back and I knew I needed someone to watch Mo for me while he was in town, just b/c the cuteness of a chewy little puppy tends to wear off once you wake up in the morning and not only have to reload the bathroom toilet paper (cuz he’s shredded the whole thing), but also find that he’s gotten into your shit somehow and chewed up your glasses, leather wallet, ATM card, and ipod shuffle. I learned this the hard way. And it’s also just really nice to be able to come home after a big night out, ready to crash hard, and not have to worry about Where did the dog pee this time? Whatever. My buddy Canyon watched Mo for me when I went to London. She and her gorgeous underwear model boyfriend have a bigass dog who got along really great with Mo so I asked if she could watch him for me again. There was a little bit of uncertainty with her availability so I wasn’t counting on it, but then out of nowhere she called to say her travel plans got cancelled and she could take him. I couldn’t believe how sweet of her that was, cuz if someone wanted a favor from me — one that would kinda put me out — and I had an excuse to get out of it? I’d totally stick to it even if my excuse died. So, Canyon agreed to watch him and it made my whole weekend with a houseguest 100 times easier… so breezy and nice that I let her uh, watch him for a week even AFTER my guest was gone. *cough*

Then I started to feel weird. I started thinking about Mo, wandering around their tiny apartment while they were at work, probably sick of their big dog and wanting to come home where he can have the run of my place. I started to miss him a little bit. So I finally gave her a call, left her NO PRESSURE message. A few days went by, no answer. I was still kind of enjoying being puppy-free, getting to sleep over other folks’ houses if I wanted, staying out all day long and not worrying about coming back home to feed the dog or close the windows so he wouldn’t get cold if it rained. And the truth is, she did me a big favor she didn’t have to do and I was grateful. Still, I called again, just reminding her. No reply. As another week went by, my messages on her voicemail for more and more pissy… not mean, just kinda cold and to the point in my own way. Stopping by her apartment was pointless b/c this is New York and we don’t do that here, and ppl are never home anyway, so I just had to keep calling. Where the fuck was my dog? How do you hold onto someone’s pet for 3 weeks and hide away from their attempts at getting it back? Why wasn’t she @ least returning my calls?! After 3 weeks, I was sick of operating on her timeclock. Done.

Yesterday afternoon, after my ordeal with my leaky sink and the fight with my super, I angrily whipped out my cell on my rampage to the subway and called her up again. Straight to voicemail (suprise suprise) and only fuel to my fire. let loose: I left the rudest, bitchiest message, talking about how uncool this was of her, how “this wasn’t a DVD I lent her, it was my fucking DOG!”, how all I want is the courtesy of a phone call so I know Mo isn’t sick or dead, and I think I even made some snarky jab about her not possibly being so busy @ the tiny hotel she works at that she can’t call me. I ended the call and huffed into the subway, made me way down to the sale, and took it all out on my credit card. A few hours and messenger bags later, I started to think maybe I’d over done it with that last call… and then I thought about how great it would be to go home with all my purchases and chill in my apartment while it rained outside and just play with my puppy, and how I still can’t do that cuz Canyon hasn’t called me back and how Mo probably has forgotten me by now, and then I just got furious all over again. Again, I whipped out my cell and called information and got her number @ work, figured this was my last resort. I got a kid @ the front desk. Suprise suprise, she wasn’t there. She was OUT.

… out at the hospital. She had been in the fucking HOSPITAL for the past 4 days with appendicitis, recovering from surgery and before that, she’d been out of the office for a week, bedridden. Her boyfriend, obviously focusing on his sick girlfriend, had actually gotten my messages off her voicemail but didn’t have my cell number and didn’t know how to call me back. Canyon has been legitamitely sick, hospital-bound, practically dead and here I’ve been leaving straightup spiteful messages on her machine for 2 weeks.

Right away I called her up and left a huge message on her machine. I didn’t even front, apologies were pouring out of my mouth like vomit. Wishing her well, hoping she’s ok, offering to do whatever I can, assuring her to keep Mo as long as she needs, blahblahblah… I even told her I’d go get groceries for her if she need help with it. I haven’t heard back from her yet, or her boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure they’re sick of my voice and I’m pretty sure Jesus will never speak to me again. All I can do now is hang my head low until I get my dog back, and hope that he’s gonna be as happy to see me as I’m gonna be to finally get him back… him with all his chew-happy, free-pee-ing ways and me with the evil soul.

UPDATED: Mo’s home!

Back at home, safe and sound… and probably resenting me.

The sky looked serious tonight. I snuck these pictures real quick on my way home, careful not to piss it off. Being caught in a downpour would’ve been nice though, especially since I had that new Coldplay single “Speed of Sound” blasting on my ipod and the visual effect would have been too fucking perfect — picture me, soaked like a Backstreet Boy left out in the rain, crying and wailing along with Chris Martin. (No really, these are the things I do when no one is looking.) That song is the damn anthem just a-changing my life, winners.

I’m in love with this new song “Baby Mama” by Fantasia Barrino. I heard it in the supermarket the other day when I was picking up some eggs, the song came on the radio and the girl @ the front checkout stand actually cranked it up. The girl restocking the milk yelled, “Yeeeeah!” Clearly a moment and I felt like hugging her, but that woulda been weird. So I just came home and downloaded it.

Sample lyric
It’s about time we had our own song
Don’t know what took so long
Cuz now-a-days it like a badge of honor
To be a baby mama
I see ya payin’ ya bills
I see ya workin’ ya job
I see ya goin’ to school
And girl I know it’s hard
And even though ya fed up
With makin’ beds up
Girl, keep ya head up

I hear you, Fantasia. Only in this unbalanced and wonderful country can a teenage girl from the hood get knocked up, drop out of high school, support her baby, become the next American Idol, and release a radio-friendly damn anthem for all the other baby mama’s out there struggling. It’s just too poetic.

Shit, makes me wanna be a baby mama too.

The Cloisters, Spring 2005

I had the most fantasic day off work, which had started off with amazing morning sex quickly followed by breakfast in bed, then extended into a lazy afternoon of shopping, light laundry, and not much else. Around 6pm, I grabbed my camera, ipod shuffle, and wandered up to the park to soak up some sunset and let the breezy evening set in. It had been a gorgeous day outside, stuff just seemed to glow… or maybe that was just me. No doubt: there’s a real intense shine on me lately, winners, and NO it ain’t after effects from the radiation therapy. It’s coming from the inside out this time. So many wonderful things floating in my life and through my head today.

Beautiful day.

What I bought @ Target today…

How many clicks does it take?

- 16pk tumbler set, $9. They’re called Serenade. Last week I bought 2 other 16pk’s of glassware, Geo and Bangles. What the hell am I doing with all these glasses? No clue. I can’t stop.

- Mossimo tennis shoes, $18. I’m normally sporting seriously clunkyass Eddie Munster-type shoes (little guys have to get creative with the height thing) but those don’t work with shorts… uh, I’ve tried. These are boyish and fun and kinda reminded me of oldschool Airwalks. Anytime I see ppl wearing shoes like these, it makes me smile.

- plastic cutting boards with knife, $1. I don’t need these, I just think they’re cute and functional. That’s all.

- Chili Slim Jims, $3 per can. Yes, there are 6 cans there and I assure that I will wipe them all out by the end of the week. Ok not really but I could. I’m addicted to these in a scurry way right about now.

- roundtop bread loaf, $0.99. Simply b/c every now and then I am 12yrs old and pack PB&J for lunch.

- 4pk flavored water, $1.87. Tangerine & Lime and Strawberry Kiwi. I’m trying to drink more iced water but am having trouble making the switch from juice and tea, so this is my crutch in the meantime. So far so good.

- stark white Target Home dinnerware, $2 per item. There are more bowls than plates, cuz I eat lots of cereal.

- plastic spray bottle, Irish Spring-esque Target soap, $1 each. Basic grooming supplies.

- Cocoa Butter Hand Lotion, $1 bin. Well, cuz the Internet is for porn.

- 10pk assorted granola bars, $1.87 per box. I love these snacks! I take them to work and everybody wants one.

- cup hooks, $1. To hang my Pearl River paper lanterns from the ceiling. This is my first foray into hanging ornamentation, the kitch factor has always held me at bay. But I’m hanging a string of them DOWN and not across the room, so I’m hoping this makes it ok.

- red plastic picture frame holder, $1. It says FRIENDS across it, it’s a cheapgift for my boss’ desk — not b/c I wanna be friends, but cuz I want to earn points and secure my dream schedule. Yes, it’s horrible but the world is a vampire sent to drain, dudes.

- 1 liter lemonade, $1. It looked really refreshing.

- translucent digital watch/keychains, $1 each. Adorable. I’m a sucker for this kind of digi-colorful shit.

- 8pk unscented pillar candles, $4. Light them up when it rains outside my window and suddenly my apartment is sorta sexy. Hand me that lotion and ohhh god, you don’t want me to take you along into this ugly scenario.

- Mossimo fitted baseball tees, $7 each. Black, olive, red, blue, and brown in ashy shades: these shirts fit me like a glove and go with everything. I have a bunch of them in ringer-style, too. I think I’m the only person who buys them.

These are the fruits of a typical Target run for me. And to think I was only going in to grab a pack of socks… which I forgot to buy.

What a weekend I had me up in here.

Shan, the sweetest little twinkie Indianapolis has to offer — and the talentedass person responsible for making this website look all lovely and shit — came up to New York on Friday to crash with me for the weekend. I’d been busy countering my anxiety with housework, mopping floors and painting ugly walls and getting somebody to watch Mo (a pee-happy puppy is too much to inflict on an out-of-towner), and just wondering what the hell I got myself into and exactly HOW BIG a fool I was for letting a(nother) relative stranger come stay with me. But any awkwardness melted away about 2 minutes into meeting up with Shan cuz it was his first time in a big city, first time flying on a plane, first time meeting me — and besides, how was I gonna pretend I wasn’t once all freshfaced and new to this city, too? We ended up having a blast all weekend. Showing a new person around the city is always a fun experience, introducing them to the insane and intricate New York City subway, watching their eyes flicker with amazement at all the things they see, laughing at how hard they struggle to keep up with a frantic pace that the rest of us forgot was frantic. I took him all over the place and he caught on real quick.

It was a very “New York Weekend”, the kind where ya keep running into cool ppl you know but never see (in addition to a smorgasbord of pop bloggers, sitcom washouts, and reality tv ho’s & homo’s that you don’t know but always see) and ya keep taking the long way around to wherever you’re going cuz you’re not sick of marvelling at how beautiful the weather is. There was lots of shopping and eating, network parties and Meatpacking lounges, brunches and Broadway, and the best part is most everything was free cuz well, Concierge living has its perks. (Shit, I need a friend like me). Shan slipped right into the groove. By the end of his trip, he was jaywalking, wandering Soho alone, sleeping with my friends, mastering those subways, turning up his nose @ Bridge&Tunnel trash, and kicking babystrollers outta his way just like I taught him. He even ditched my ass during his final hour in town so he could shop @ Macy’s: and the student surpassed the teacher. Beautiful.

JUST ADDED: Shan’s photo recap. I especially love the shot of my ass trekking down steps and sporting one of my many Jack Spade bags. Shan snuck this in, but it seems to be a pattern with me taking in pretty sights.

It was great meeting you, Shan. You weren’t nearly as big a punk I thought you’d be. Come back and play this summer. My buds all thought you were really fun — one in particular, ahem — and so did I, tho I might have to kill you for posting that JACKED UP picture of us on the subway @ 2am, with me looking bloated and pale after eating junk all day and sweating all night @ Level V. (Don’t be decieved, ya’ll, I’m nowhere near Chubberville… Shan just weighs like, 3lbs. It’s not his fault tho, Anorexia is a trend just barely hitting the midwest.)

So I’ve been in militant protest against American Idol ever since those assholes booted Frenchie Davis from the competition in the 2nd season. All she did was pose for a naughty website once, man. Luckilly, b/c of the press and her talent, that bitch really blew up anyway and went on to become a Broadway star, so everthing worked out ok. And other than seeing the AOL replay of Fantasia winning last year, I haven’t kept up @ all with the show. (Did Ruben die? Who the hell is this Mario kid?) Anyway somebody was telling me recently about this new cocky boy in the competition named Anthony Federov, how he’s really good and supposedly looks like Harry Potter and my exboyfriend (if they’d had a child). After running out of better things to do, I sat down and looked him up on Yahoo! (cuz Google is for sheep!) tonight to finally see what everyone’s talking about.

He’s adorable! All sqeaky and shiny and ripe for the taking. I just spent the last hour pouring over every article, fansite, video clip, and blog entry about him and I can totally jump on this bandwagon. He actually reminds me of a younger Anthony Rapp with those black glasses, and yeah, looks something like Randy too. I haven’t been watching the show, so somebody clue me in. How far along in the competition is he? Is he doing good, does Simon like him? More importantly, does he have a sordid amateur gay porn scandal buried somewhere in his past, or has he taken a tip from Miss Davis and perhaps posed for a naughty website? and if so which one? Help me out here, internet folks, I’m gonna need more to work with if I plan on having sex with him.

Forgive me, Frenchie. You’ll live on in my heart, but I see a hottie tonight that should be having my baby, baby.