MARISSA WILL KILL YOU
September 9th, 2005 / No commentsLast night on The O.C. Warrants. Rehab. Shirtless Ryan. People in comas. I can’t handle it. Holler if you hear me.
Recap thoughts: This was a kickass start/follow-up after the screaming! beatdowns! gunshots! cliffhanger from last season. Ryan got half nekked and I lost my shit. I wasn’t prepared for that. All this time I thought he was bloated and chunky, then the shirt came off (and he lost the bangs) and suddenly my world is on fire and it’s more than I can handle. His brooding is still a bit much, like how he was ready to run when they issued a warrant for his arrest. Bitch, where are you gonna go? You’re a minor. You’re also rich, don’t worry about it — the money will solve the problem. Oh and I want Sandy Cohen to be my dad (it’s the eyebrows) — when he called Jimmy out on his bullshit about “Oh I’m trying to protect my family” and got all, “Please, Jimmy, since when has family ever been impotrant to you? What the fuck are you even doing back in Newport?”, I was smiling @ the TV, all proud and shit, like I was watching my real father impress me. I need help. Julie Cooper is a WITCH, when she took that pillow to Trey, fresh-outta-the-coma? I was FLOORED. Who is this woman?! Julie Cooper is insane, ya’ll. Explains a lot about Marissa, who I really liked in this episode! I like how she totally owns up to shooting Trey. He was beating the shit out of Ryan so she grabbed that gun and blew him away, and even tho she’s struggling in private, she publically is like, “Fuck that shit, I saved Ryan’s life by shooting his Trey’s ass. He tried to rape me and I don’t feel bad.” Marissa’s not fucking around, ya’ll. She’ll KILL your ass. Also, I love how Kirsten is becoming a big old lez in rehab. The only thing I wasn’t feeling was Seth tossing a football on the beach with Ryan. What the hell? Ryan would definately do something like that, hell even Summer would… but Seth? his ass wouldn’t even own one. And he wouldn’t take off his shirt either, he’d be too insecure around Ryan to do that. Why would he even be @ the beach? he can’t play video games or charge his ipod there! These are reasons I like Seth, I hope they don’t go changing him for the sake of giving the group a “normal teenager” wash. This is the O.C., bitch, where the kids are rich, the parents are absent, and people just behave abnormally.
I used to really hate this show. What the hell happened? Fine, fuck it. Let’s just make this the TV post. My TIVO is full of stuff I’ve been catching up on. Rest assured I judge everything I watch and resent all the things I don’t like, and that resentment builds b/c I have nothing better to do with my time. So for those feeling pious and fair, please hit that little X at the top right corner of your screen and close this window, cuz I’m not one of soft opinion. Let’s talk hard about this shit. TV is important.
I was totally preapred to hate on Weeds especially when I found out it stars Mary Louise Sarah Jessica Masterson Perkins whats-her-face. All the promos kept showing her being this with-it dope-peddling single mom/widow who kicks it with black folks in the hood and talks down to all the white folks in her subdivision, all while being very Daria with the disaffected dry-wit and lifeless eyes. Typical formula to make us like the lead cuz she defies the suburban norm and we’re supposed to LOVE that. What’s with America’s recent love of subrurban life anyway? Who the hell wants to live in Stepford, much less watch what allegedly goes on there? It’s not really interesting to me, I guess. But I do really like this show, I like how uneven it can be and the way they play with the character levels. I love that at the end of the first episode, just when you think our main character has established what to expect from her, she totally breaks down crying and confused. I love that she runs this secret life and thinks she has everyone fooled, but her dealers totally know what’s up and constantly rib her on being white and clueless. And everyone’s buzzing about Elizabeth Perkins and how hilarious she is (basically playing Samantha from Sex & the City) but I think Justin Kirk is even funnier.
Open Bar on LOGO has me slightly amused, icandy is a cute name for a gay bar. Just like they did with Blowout, I love how the producers of these reality shows try to build all this suspense over whether or not the project will get pulled off in time. As if they’d actually spend all this money televising the construction of the bar that failed to open.I like how Tyler’s aspiring model/actor exboyfriend is totally over him and not even trying to get close but continues to hang around… oh, and what do you know? there’s TV camera’s there! The show is alright, I guess. I’m really waiting for this gay network to get some good programming. Right now it’s just the same 4 shows playing on loop, which isn’t weird I guess, since it’s run by the same people who do MTV and VH1.
I’ll say it again: I can’t get enough of Starved on FX. The fact that this once-bootleg, virtually rerun-only network kicked their dirty game up a notch with new shows like Nip/Tuck and It’s Always Sunny…, really just makes me wanna dip it BBQ sauce and binge, and then maybe vomit it back up. What I love about this show is that not only is it dark, reality-based and set in New York, but they don’t try to make you LIKE anyone or feel sorry for the characters. They’re these normal boring-sometimes-cute people with nonglamourous jobs and lives who happen to have these issues with food, and while they struggle with their appearances, they totally date and have relationships and aren’t losers. The group leader at their abusive support group cracks me up.
One show I’m just barely able to admit to watching is Beautiful People on ABC Family about a divorcee and her 2 semi-pretty daughters starting their life over in New York. I can’t believe I tune into this show b/c I spend most of the hour making fun of the bitches, but it’s addictive. It’s basically about the elite circle of Manhattan socialites, and how these brunette girls just don’t fit in — but they’re making their way anyhow! There’s the slutty college dropout/aspiring cokehad daughter working as a cocktail waitress as she sleeps her way up the social ladder, the other teenage daughter with a distracting mole (it looks like a zit) who attends a prestigious private school where there are Beautiful Popular Rich Kids and also Unpopular Ugly Rich Kids (we’re supposed to feel bad for them), and then the jobless mom who TAKES SHOWERS with her 2 daughters. Yes, you read that right and I was stunned when I saw it on my TV. Poor people are fucked up. I can’t stop watching.
But I am not feeling any kind of love for Barbershop. I thought the movies the show is based on were cute, but this series is really only there to fill the ethnic void that Soul Food and Resurrection Boulevard left behind (two shows I really liked). Also, the only person I hate more than Cuba Gooding Jr. is his fat little brother Omar, who knows he can’t be hot like his brother so he overcompensates by trying to be sitcom-funny. Everything he says pisses me off. Who cast him as the lead in this series? He’s 250lbs of poison.
Yeah, I said it. I meant it. I stole your mama’s credit. At least when I’m in Hell, there will be so many of you there with me. And we’ll watch TV together.
Great Big Slut
September 7th, 2005 / 1 comment »
What are you doing tonight?
He’s young. He’s straight. He’s single. And he’s probably not gonna call.
Finally, a man – and a musical – with no cheesy lines or lame excuses. SLUT tells the story of Adam, a single dude on a lifelong quest for one-night stands, his best friend, the brilliant Doctor Dan, and the sexy rocker Delia who comes between them. Set in the East Village and around the world, this highly improbable, irreverent adventure comes with singing, dancing, screwing and raspberry margaritas.
Ahhh, I love it. I fucking love it. This is another one of the shows that got lots of attention at the Fringe Festival awhile back, I remember hearing about it. It stars both Andy Karl and David Josefberg (Luke and Abraham from Altar Boyz) and previews start next week. I’m all over it.
UPDATE: I saw the show. Front row. His very first scene was him getting out of bed, in his underwear (black SHEER boxer briefs). Later, going into another bedroom scene, he walked right up to the edge of the stage, ripped open his shirt, peeled off his jeans and stood there bulging at the front row with a little smirk on his face. I spent the rest of the show frozen and speechless. I’m still recovering. Go see this.
iWant, iGet
September 7th, 2005 / 3 comments »PrincessMelissa: HI
LittleSpriteboy: dude i’m an asshole
PrincessMelissa: no
LittleSpriteboy: i just blew $333 @ the apple website
PrincessMelissa: you’re not an asshole
LittleSpriteboy: on those brand new fucking ipods
PrincessMelissa: that little baby one that is big as a pencil?
LittleSpriteboy: YES!
PrincessMelissa: oh, yeah total asshole
iPod Nano
I was supposed to get up and go get an eye exam today so that I can place an order for new contact lenses. The ones I have are way too old, they get foggy and I have to keep using drops and I really can’t see shit with them. Truth is, I’m scared to go get an exam b/c I’m pretty sure they’re gonna say I can’t wear contact lenses anymore b/c I wore them too much. And they won’t let me order more till I get an exam. The woman on the phone @ the optometrist office is straight up like, “Chris? No.” “Please, just order them and i’ll pay you in CASH” “No, you need an exam so we can update your prescription.” “FUCK YOU AND YOUR EXAMS!” I’m going blind, I just know it. I eventually swallowed my bitter pill and made the decision to go this morning… but then the new iPod Nano got released.
Now, b/c I’m a bad person, my original scheme was to break my ipod mini (which is essentially what the iPod Nano is, just a smaller cuter version) and then call Apple and get it replaced — the Protection Plan says they’ll replace it with whatever the current version of the product is. But then I read the fine print and saw that reserved the right to just replace the inner workings with refurbished parts if they want to. Dammit. So with the 4GB model, the 2yr protection plan, the dock, and shipping, everything came to about $333. GOD. Thus, no new eyes for me; I’ll just be bumping into shit for awhile. You know, there are blind folks in Manhattan who navigate the shit out of this city every damn day; I bet I could totally get a stick and join the fray, at least till my next paycheck (cuz I refuse to wear glasses in public forums — the comparisons to Harry Potter are just too frequent).
The web is bad. It makes me spend all my money and defile my self. I already have a shuffle, a mini, and a 10GB that just sits on my computer desk — what the hell am I doing? Somebody stop be quick before I call up Apple and add the skin jackets to my order.
(hey)
September 4th, 2005 / 1 comment »
photo from Streetsy
(b/c i’m not quite fey enough to make something like this)
Everyone keeps asking me if we’ve talked lately. Like, has he called or have we checked in with each other. It seems like a weird question to be asked and I always pause and think about how to respond. I mean, we broke up. Is calling what people normally do afterwards? No, we haven’t spoken. I didn’t expect to, not sure if that’s strange or not. There was no real decision made about it, I guess we’re just kind of leaving each other alone… to be okay.
But I think about him. Usually makes me smile.
Atlantis
September 3rd, 2005
French Quarter, New Orleans
I took this picture on a getaway weekend in New Orleans around this time last year. I was just walking down Chartres St. and caught a glimpse of this. I remember thinking how strange it was that it seemed to fit just right with my situation @ the time. Once again, it’s all too accurate. The front page of The New York Times yesterday actually made me gasp — that woman’s dead body floating along the pier. I thought it was disgusting and disrespectful, but then again New York has always dealt with the ugly side of disaster head-on.
I’ve always felt a kinship with the city of New Orleans. When my dad’s side of the family first got here from Ireland — like WAY back then — they went to New Orleans. Maybe that’s why next to New York, it’s just always been my favorite city, it’s felt like home. I’ve gone many many times over the last 10 years; I love there b/c it’s a place where life slows down and it’s just easier to enjoy little pleasures like great food and music and culture… stuff I have full access to in New York but rarely have the time to slow down and appreciate. I’m sad about what’s going on over there. I have a ton of family spread out all over the Louisiana bayous, I think they all evacuated to Texas right after the news hit.
Everyone’s focusing on the people left behind… but I keep wondering about the people who got out. They must feel so lost. They’re stuck with their familes in cheapass Motel 8′s paying $200 a night for a shit room that should be $69 a night. What are they going to do? They still have credit card bills but they don’t have income. Does their health insurance still work? Did they get their family photo albums before they left? It’s got to be so fucking frustrating, just scarier than anything I can imagine. A lot of shit is being talked about the local residents who chose to stay in New Orleans when the hurricane approached (a lot of them waited too long), and I’m not really sure how I feel about it. If Manhattan was under danger of being submerged by some Day After Tomorrow-type water, I’ll bet a ton of these lifetime locals would set their jaws and insist on going down with the ship too. Maybe I’d be one of them.
Keep your heads up, bayou folks. The rest of us are here to help any way we can.
Golden Ticket
September 1st, 2005 / 2 comments »Suddenly September. Every blog entry for the next three weeks will be nothing but fluff/filler till I get to reference Earth Wind & Fire and be relevant.
So Next Magazine (where my homie Gregory T. Angelo holds court as an editor-type who WASN’T paying dues 5yrs ago alongside my ass in a busted up white van with a trailer full of sets and costumes for our non-union stint as The Outsiders) hosted their very first Out There Awards @ Crobar on Monday night and my scheming ass got slipped a very precious golden ticket. Straight out of Willy Wonka with the golden ticket, ya’ll, including the rule about “You may bring one guest and one guest only”. I actually skipped down the streets of Soho like Charlie Bucket, except with better hair and teeth (that kid looked busted. What, your poverty-stricken ass can’t afford a toothbrush and comb?). Even though I’d had a really rough week @ work and am not a serious clubber, I just couldn’t bear to spend another nice quiet evening in the fucking stillness of my uber-clean apartment. Nightlife called. So I rang up a pretty boy I know, got myself together, hailed a cab to OUCH, and let the healing begin.
I wasn’t prepared for how Done Up things were gonna be. Most of these gay events are pretty lame, with one or two D-list DJ’s making an appearance, and aging go-go boys that I wouldn’t even admit to riding the same train next to. I went just expecting to stay a short time, figured I’d only be able stand outside of my element for about an hour before Boredom lured me back uptown on the A train, but I had a ton of fun. The awards were hysterical, with subversive categories like Most Improved Drag Queen, Most Overexposed DJ, and Best Weekly Party That Got Shut Down, and were presented by a fucking random smorgasbord of NYC Nighttime personalities. Anthony Rapp went onstage and presented, which alone made the whole night worth the cab fare, and a LOT of other gay glitterati was there — including Andy Towle, who’s even more gorgeous in person. Jai Rodriguez’ hated ass, thankfully, was nowhere in sight; probably busy doing something culturally-relevant, like teaching straight guys how to stand still @ a party. Anyway, the event was HUGE. I actually ran into a lot familiar faces, including an ex-roommate who I had no idea heads up Da Lipstyxx now, an ex-classmate (Hi, Peppermint!) who made a huge impression on me and with whom I’m having dinner with next week, an ex-plaything who still fills out those jeans nicely, and an ex-bitter friend with whom I finally buried the hatchet. By the end of the night I’d smooched on a tall hottie (looked a lot like Bravo) who I found out works @ my old job, got molested by a tranny, got shouted out — “Oh my God is that SPRITEBOY?!” — by the loudass Amensia Sparkles (yes, that one who I think looks even hotter out of drag), and just had a great time getting out of my clouded head. Check out the new issue of NEXT, I’m sure they’ll be recapping the shit out of it all. After the mo’s shut Crobar down, my newly accquired crew of beautiful boys and I went to that glow-in-the-dark Pizza Bar, which had really fucking good pepporoni. Afterwards it was late and there was a lot of walking around wondering what to do next, a lot of hugging and “I love you man”. It’s been awhile since I had a night out with the boys, been awhile since I had a real night out at all. It felt good.
My iTunes and I are on a nostalgia binge this week. I can’t stop thinking about oldschool jams. I got home from the salon today (rockin’ my new black and red mop) and spent a good 15 minutes breaking it down in the middle of my living room floor to Coolio’s “Fantastic Voyage” playing on loop with the bass cranked up. Before that, on the train ride uptown, it was “Weak” by SWV. And on the way to work this morning I was deep in the flow of “Tha Crossroads” with Bones Thugs & Harmony. Yes, dudes. See you at the crossroads so you won’t be lonlaaaay (and I’mgonnamiss EV-RAY-BODY).
Well, Miss Jodi, one of my favorite bloggers ever, tagged me for a Meme. I think you’re just supposed to fill them out and pass them on ike an annoying e-prayerchain or cyber petition. But I love talking about myself so, in no particular order, here we go.
7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) be completely happy with who I am
2) live in my dream building @ 100 w.81st Street
3) have messy, loud sex in a barn
4) get those 15 minutes clocked in
5) see the Pyramids
6) be a Dad
7) buy my mom a real lighthouse on the shore, she’s obsessed with them
7 things I can do:
1) brew really good iced tea
2) see things for what they are
3) fall asleep anywhere
4) waste hours surfing the web and not get bored
5) work a crowd
6) make a great mixed CD
7) beat cancer
7 things I cannot do:
1) make someone change their mind
2) drive a car w/o hitting something
3) housebreak my dog
4) leave home w/o my ipod
5) go back to Texas
6) pretend to be amused by sports
7) take Tom Cruise seriously
7 things that attract me to the opposite/same sex:
1) cockiness (taking Confidence to a higher level is sexy)
2) blond hair, blue eyes, KILLER smile
3) a happy go lucky attitude to contrast mine
4) full ownership of all their quirks and downsides
5) solid opinions (i hate ppl who play indifferent)
6) a slender build (not skinny. i can’t work with that.)
7) hobbies that don’t necessarily include anyone else
7 things that I say most often:
1) I love this shit.
2) Sorry I missed your call.
3) BAD DOG! STOP IT!
4) You’re a mess.
5) Hold your shit, bitch. You know how we do.
6) Wanna be my plus one tonight?
7) Welcome to Concierge, this is Chris speaking.
7 celebrity crushes:
1) Mandy Moore – no explaination needed.
2) Ryan Seacrest – it’s more of a sick fascination, I can’t WAIT for the E! True Hollywood Story to hear about “when it all came crashing down.”
3) Ewan McGregor – b/c he can do anything — musicals, animation, action, indie, romantic comedy, drama, sci-fi — and be amazing at it. Also, he just seems naughty. At a porn set, Ewan would want to be the fluffer. I love him.
4) Kelly Clarkson – she just seems really nice and grateful.
5) Danny Roberts from Real World New Orleans – um, the accent, the eyes, the sheepish grin. I still have his season taped on VHS and I don’t even own a VCR anymore.
6) Claire Danes – b/c she was Angela Chase, and everytime I put on a flannel shirt I think of her.
7) Matt Czuchry – he’s just so damn cute.
And now I’m passing this on to some other folks. Not that anyone will be filling them out, b/c most ppl aren’t like me and will have lives and plans over this holiday weekend. Most ppl won’t sit at home watching TV with their dog. Shit, most ppl aren’t even reading this blog today, they’re in cars on the way to beaches and concerts and stuff. Traitors. Run to your bliss.