News of My Death

Hi! Miss me? Not really, huh? I can’t believe so many people emailed/commented on that dumbass video I dared to post. Who knew 90 seconds of narcissistic downtime while I waited for my tea kettle to boil would end up amusing all of you bored fools? (That song, btw, is “The Way I Feel Inside” by the Zombies. Yes, I know. It’s the shit.) Actually I don’t much own a tea kettle — I have a Mr. Iced Tea. See, I straightup lied to you. I went away for 7 damn years and then I came back and fucked with your trust. You hate me more now than that little video of mine, admit it.

Consider this little email, which has sat in my inbox for weeks and has yet to get stale or fail to crack me up:

Subject: BOOOOOOORING
Date: 2/24/2006 6:46:32 P.M. Eastern Standard Time
From: charnfree
To: LittleBigChris

I mean what the hell is going on?!?!

I come to the board several times to read what’s new, to break up a little monotonous in my otherwise mundane, cubicle city, now at home for a week recovering from a tonsillectomy life and you have nothing to say?

I come to your page just to have something to do, so that I don’t have to think about the 2400 word paper that’s due on Sunday, and to get my mind off of the fact that I can’t swallow anything larger than water and the popsicles I’ve been perfecting the fine art of fellatio on. TMI. I know, but it’s more exciting than your page. Chris, now that you’re older – you suck. Oh that would be me and my popsicles (hee hee). You, you’re boring, now that your LittleBigChris. I want Spriteboy back!!!!

Awesome. And also true. Still, I’m in love with it. I’m ready to slather it in BBQ sauce and digest it then vomit it back up (ala Mary Kate) and try to apply it to my life. Shit, where have I been? Hardly here, dude. I know I’m making about as much sense as Lupe on Project Runway, but that’s just cuz I’m only halfway into this post. And my life has been anything but boring as of late, but that’s no fun to talk about. It’s a better journal when I’m just annoyed and this be truth. I like the way Melissa puts it on her freshly facelifted website (don’t it look cute?), it pretty much serves as a note from my doctor:

“Well to be perfectly honest, this is the world wide web and my writing for this is very sporadic because a) I’m working on diligently on something else and b) I’m actually happy and don’t quite know what to write about here. I am at a place in life where I’m confident and excited and with that happiness comes many layers of secrecy, I don’t know why. To reassure myself, I asked LittleBigChris about his blogging patterns and he was like, “I haven’t posted on my blog since January because I’m happy, man.” I won’t go into just how happy he is but it has a lot to do with love and Broadway! See happiness = blog death and I am not alone.”

The news of my death has been greatly exaggerated. I’m ALIVE, just not rubbing my shiny high into your faces is all. Life is just pretty damn great lately and I can’t seem to be bothered with the task of LOGGING it all down. I know I should update more often though, so that when the joy runs dry and I’m back to “keeping it real” (i.e. being frustrated and endearingly bitter)? I’ll @ least still be able to come back strong to a base of folks who actually take the time to sit and check this site every day. Ugh, isn’t it disgusting that I’m writing this entire entry like it’s a letter from me to “the fans”? Sick. See what happens when I stop blogging?

Good shit on the way, and if ya ass wanna act? you can keep ya ass where you at. Come back. Don’t fight this good feeling we both know throbs like a migrane between us.