We Have No Bananas
April 29th, 2007 / 1 comment »Fourgies are bogus. Never quite as amazing as they promise to be. What begins as exciting and forbidden and naughty and Greek soon turns static after 30 minutes, then the party breaks off into boring pairs dicking around in seperate corners or rooms. Yawn. And with your luck, you’re stuck with the overconfidant not-as-cute one who only really wants to watch porn and say, “Fuck yeah” 100 times. Then they all break out the good Crystal, which is when your ass skips out, and you walk home damning your dick and kicking yourself for RSVP’ing in the first place. At this point in your life, you think you would’ve already leaned your lesson by now.
Easy now, gutterminds. This entry is so not about me, I’m not cool enough to get invited to a fourgy anyway. Although I hear the walk of shame @ 4:00am can be productive if your grocery store’s open on your way home, though. At least then you can have a big banana with your milk and muffin in the morning and it’s sorta like you got what ya came for.
Morning Stroll
April 22nd, 2007
FUCK YOUTUBE!
April 16th, 2007 / 3 comments »The fuckers @ YouTube are on a copyright witchhunt, just deleting longterm loyal accounts left and right. They disabled me PERMENANTLY today, after I’ve been a member with them for over a year. Remember those funny Fratboy videos I posted wayyy back in the day? Well I added them into my YouTube account when I joined, just like a million people out there added random commercials and TV show clips and all kinds of shit that made the website popular, and now YouTube is suddenly claiming a copyright infringement cuz the videos don’t belong to me — even tho these are vids downloadable to ANYONE ANYWHERE on the web. They emailed me 3 seperate notices for each video about the supposed copyright infringement, sent them all within the same minute and then cancelled my account one minute later before I’d even gotten a chance to log in and remove them/contest the claim. Now they’ve seized my LittleBigChris username/email and banned me from renewing, and deleted all my vids too! I did a thorough search — all my shit is gone, even my personal vlog entries. Is this just me? A bunch of my other favorite YouTubers are gone too.
I’ve been e-warring with their Customer Support team all afternoon, who basically just keep referring me to their bullshit User Agreements and advising that Federal Law requires them to delete any account that infringes on copyrights. Yet they have no response as to how they even know I’m not the guy who owns the videos. For all they know I could be the one holding the damn camera, they have no way of fucking knowing. But on TOP of this, YouTube actually approved the videos when I posted them back when I joined in January 2006… so what’s up with that? They have nothing to say. This is all just getting really Big Brother.
Keep looking for me tho, cuz my vids are ALL going back up. I just rejoined under LittleBIGGERChris. Suck it, YouTube.
WATCH YOUR BACKS, DUDES! THEY’RE ON A HUNT!
Tiles & Eggroll
April 10th, 2007 / 4 comments »I spring cleaned all weekend. Still not done. Going room by room, I started with my living room first and went through 4 jumbo garbage bags of junk papers, manuals, and files I don’t need anymore. Took my old computer desk, coffee table and whack printer down to the basement (one man’s garbage…) and just reorganized everything. The room just feel cleaner now.
The kitchen was next. I gutted out my pantry shelves cuz the contents were just offensive. How in the hell did I acquire 3 bottles of Extra Virgin olive oil? What’s with all the Goya, and why did I have 2 jumbo things of cinnamon in addition to cinnoman sticks? Did I really purchase a fondu kit? I even had Valentines candy that had been a gift from an ex 2yrs ago — chocolate lips just sitting on a shelf in the back, rot with fuzz and nastiness. What the frak? I dumped it all out and then started on the floor. My kitchen floor is disgusting and it’s all my fault, altho I’ll never admit it to my landlord. I’m one of the lucky few in the city who got a dishwasher with my apt, and it was something of a novelty to me b/c the machine in my mom’s house never ever worked and so I got used to washing them by hand. I had no idea you’re not supposed to use liquid dish soap in a dishwasher (it makes a leak) and by the time I figured it out, my kitchen tiles were all warped and coming off. So last night I sat my ass down with an exacto knife and some peel-off sticky Home Depot squares and I RETILED that shit. It looks WONDERFUL now.
The bedroom is my next Everest, it’s the only room in the apt that I have yet to paint and reshuffle. A heavy duty overhaul of my closets will be required (again) but I kind of like that. P just experienced a fire at his building in the apt right above his; he’s OK, not much of his stuff was damaged. It’s kinda making me look at all the things I have and wanna trim off the excess junk. I’m sure there’s still a lot of stuff I can manage to part with and still be well-dressed and well-stocked. Meh… at least well-stocked.
Caught up on some Six Feet Under this weekend. I love those last few episodes of the the series, with Claire working in that office where everyone kept diong that annoying Austin Powers “Yeah, baby!” thing. A million clockwatchers out there know exactly how that is when you’re stuck working in twilight zone where everyone around you seems 5yrs behind in pop-culture. I used to work in an office where all the white woman were really into the whole “You go, girl!” thing… except they’d say, “You go go!”. Ugh it was just painful, cuz you know, it wasn’t 1996 anymore. How yummy was Ted, that fratboy Republican Claire ended up with? Kinda reminds me of P, with those eyes and those lips. Yeah see, now that’s two P mentions in one post. Can you tell what’s on my mind lately? Must avert my energy. Quick, find me something else to clean and reorganize!
My vacancy sign is on again for bitchy little Shan, who I love. He’s coming back this Friday for his usual April visit and I plan to whore him out to my creditors and then sell him into white slavery. Shit, I have dental bills to pay off and I know a shady bitch @ Ruby Foo’s who tells me that twinks go pretty fast for a pretty penny in Chinatown. Hey Shan, I think we need some dim sum.
Webstars
April 8th, 2007 / No commentsI’ve spent all morning putting together my new IKEA furniture, cuz the trade-off for getting cheap cute shit delivered to your 3rd floor apartment is that you’ve gotta assemble it your damn self. 1 big bookcase, 2 dresser drawers, 2 end tables, and a computer desk. I’ve never had a problem drilling, screwing, and sweating the day away but this aint’ quite the format I prefer. Been one hell of a butch morning up in here.
To balance things out with a little fluff, I’ve been watching Top Model: Cycle 5 all morning on MTV. This was my favorite set of girls ever. Tough little smoky-voiced Bre from Harlem. Lisa and her drunk crazy ass. Nik, the earthy creature who should’ve won. I loved Kim, the aloof lesbian who was smart enough to embrace her androgony and let it push her into the final 5. This was the season they introduced Twiggy and Miss J as a judges, which always made good TV watching the British white lady try to mesh with the giant black drag queen. I love how Miss J switches from proper Brit-posh accent and breeding to around-the-way girl from the gutter, depending on whichever outfit he’s ruining. I also love how he seems to think all the girls look up to him the way they do to Tyra and the real judges. Cycle 5 was also the last time I remember thinking Tyra was really beautiful. Now she just seems scary. Does anyone llisten to the America’s Next Top Podcast? A bunch of friends sit around watching the show and trashing Tyra, it’s fun.
I’ve also been pouring myself over YouTube, which is almost as good as regular TV now. I even have my favorite channels. WilliamSledd has somehow pulled me out of my Nation of Hatred (haternation?) and into a land of joy. I hate to love him cuz he’s SO over the top ridiculous but it’s just too much fun to ignore; even The View ladies worship his ass. He is further proof that all you have to do to become famous is get an internet connection and start acting like you’re already a celebrity (I’m looking at you too, Perez). I really wish basketballjosh72 would do more of his e-letters to random celebrities, his letters to Oprah and Brad Pitt cracked me up. Those LoveBitesTV webisodes are cute and so is JayBrannan. His “Body’s A Temple” song is my favorite.
I also have a sexual obsession with supricky06, this struggling actor in L.A. who’s both sexy and fucking funny. There’s also Ian Crossland, who’s sexy but fucking creepy (and stoned). I’ll also cop to my mini-crush on DylanSing; I was thinking dirrty thoughts for a full 4 minutes until I looked at his profile and saw that he’s 14. Now when I watch his vids I have to make sure I’m fully clothed or it just feels wrong.
But Christine @ HappySlip is probably my favorite. Maybe it’s my thing for cute asians (Goil, call me!) but I just love her. She does these hilarious vlog entries about her Filipino parents and relatives, the culture differences between family from their home countries and the children brought up in America. Being a half-breed myself I totally get it, but anyone can enjoy it; the mother character alone is sitcom-ready. Morning Meest! I actually subscribe to her on iTunes but you can catch her on YouTube too. Christine, let’s be friends mmkay? I love you. You, me, Jamba Juice, maybe a funny video. We can work it out later.
In an ironic twist, I seem to have attracted a whole new world of web-followers. I did the Master Cleanse Lemonade Diet last month and kept a daily vlog about it, just cuz there didn’t seem to be any “insider” resources about the diet and I figured the vids would help people. OK, not really. I just did them so I could keep track of any weight I was losing, but whatever. I created a blog about the cleanse and amazingly, I’ve gotten over 200 emails and messages from fat people everywhere inspired by my vids and excited to start starving themselves. Lovely! Attention from all avenues is welcome and encouraged.
Going to see Legally Blonde: the Musical tonight. Yes, they turned it into a Broadway play. I didn’t like the movie when I first saw it, I thought Reese Witherspoon was doing a bad copy of Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. But the movie was on early today and I watched it again, it’s actually pretty cute. I’ll let you know how the play is, I have this feeling it’s gonna be Hairspray-like funny. I’m going with an adorable Asian boy as my date. No it’s not Goil but hopefully that’ll happen soon. I’m serious about this shit, spicy little Goil is destined to be mine.
Check out those links to my YouTube favorites and tell them LittleBigChris sent you. I have some favorites on XTube, too, but that’s a whole other side of addiction I’m not ready to share. See ya later, decorators!
Tyra
April 8th, 2007 / 3 comments »Another reason why I can’t watch this woman more than 30 seconds.
Tyra, STOP THE MADNESS!
What I kills me the most about Tyra Banks is how she thinks we all just love these live shenanigans and respect her “candindness” and ability to poke fun at herself (i.e. show us things we don’t really want to see from supermodels). It never really works, just kind of looks stupid. I mean, that first clip is clearly her parodying Oprah and it might actually be kind of funny if it wasn’t really obvious that Tyra thinks she’s being slapstick hilarious. All this does is remind me again why she isn’t (and won’t ever be) as ground-shattering as Mama O and how much she doesn’t deserve all the comparisons.
Tyra please just stop this. If you wanna do the world some good go make a fat girl the Top Model. Also, maybe get rid of the platinum hair.
Fired Up
April 6th, 2007Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Sudden visit from my ex-boyfriend Pedro, dealing with every New Yorker’s worst nightmare. The roof the roof the roof was on fire.
Careless
April 5th, 2007 / 3 comments »If one more person misuses the “care less” phrase I’m going to lose it. I will snap. We’re talking me grabbing a gun and pistol-whipping total strangers. Even the elderly.
The phrase should go like this: “I couldn’t care less.” It means that at this present time, you care SO LITTLE about something that it would not be possible for you to care any less. Meaning you don’t give a shit and there’s no way to get there. Hey my boss is pissed at me? I couldn’t care less.
Not like this: “I could care less about how you feel!” This means that you DO care but it’s possible to not care even more. And this is what most people say and I hate it. How is it that damn near everyone in the world says it wrong? News anchors, politicians, magazine journalists, even characters on TV shows — don’t any of those people have advisors/editors/producers to keep them from making errors like this? It’s like the public has become so used to saying it one way, we’re just chucking the rules out the window and anything can fly. Miss Jodi knows what I’m talking about. If we don’t do something about this now, Gen Z is going to be even dumber than we think they are. It’s careless and lazy and I will not stand for it anymore.
I have sent an email to Grammar Girl, asking her to take this up on her next podcast. You’re all gonna be sorry.