Big Questions from Michael Lucas

I’ve been loving these behind-the-scenes clips on Michael Lucas’ YouTube channel, especially his Interrogation videos where he picks a different porn star each week or so and actually asks them personal questions.  It’s always funny b/c so many of the guys are clearly not used to him taking an interest in their personal lives (either that or they just aren’t that interesting), like you can tell b/c their eyes usually glaze over and they struggle to come up with anything substantial.  Maybe they should just stick to moaning and sucking (um, hi Ryan!).  Still, I think some of the questions Michael asks them are sort of deep and thought provoking, so I figured I’d try them on myself.  I know this is a little Facebook survey-ish but hey, sometimes straightup Q&A is the best way.

What’s your dream?
To make an impact on this Island, even if it’s only a slight one, simply b/c this city has made such a huge impact on me.  There are so many ppl like me here, ppl who watch and listen and observe all the same things I do, so I don’t stand out in many ways.  But I guess I want to be someone this city knows and remembers long after I am gone.  Words have power so i think I’d love to write something poignant about my life in NYC, maybe a book or even a poem… who knows?  Maybe this blog is my little way of thumbtacking my name up into the world, by way of Manhattan.

Professionally speaking, I dream to work from home.  

Have you been in love?
I have a love affair with NYC.  It’s truly one of my greatest and truest loves.  I’m in love with the movie Amelie, everything about it is beautiful and perfect.  I’m in love with diners that serve breakfast dishes all day.  I’m in love with technology, I think the web and all its facets and all the ways we can access it are changing our lives daily and it’s something I am inspired and driven by.  I’m in love with the comforts of my home.  I’m in love with my chihuahua.  I’m in love with little adventures I take myself on when everyone I know is busy.  

I’ve loved 4 men.  It’s weird and uncomfortable for me to admit that, b/c I guess I have some silly notion that you’re not supposed to be in love more than a few times or maybe you don’t really know what love is.  But I do.  I’ve felt it deeply a few times.  I’ve felt how heavily its affected my world and soul when it’s gone.  I know I’ve been in love, so maybe I’m just very lucky.

Does being in love make you more or less creative?
Honestly, love soothes me.  It energizes my heart and lets me relax enough to find contentment.  When I’m in love I can sit still and think about my life and smile at what I see.  So in a way, love acts as a balm for the manic, neurotic self… but my manic, neurotic self is the most creative Me.  I tend to be at my most articulate and expressive when I’m upset and frustrated.  

What’s the best thing about your job?
It doesn’t feel like work most of the time.  I don’t have deadlines and budgets and numbers and those kinds of pressures — I have fun and it’s creative and lets me infuse all of my personal tastes and impressions into what I do.  I’m paid to know things and dispense what I know helpfully.  I like that it’s a job that I feel perfectly suited for.

What’s the worst thing about your job?
It’s not like a regular job with clear, set , designated structure for me to work within.  I’m kind of a personal assistant to anyone staying in the hotel and since it’s customer service, I HAVE to assist even if it’s something that is totally not my job (i.e. travel plans, office admin work, apartment hunting).  I don’t ever get to say “That’s not my job”.

When were you the happiest in your life? 
I think right now at this point I am the happiest I have ever been.  I spend so much time smiling, thinking about how full my heart is.  I’m healthy, in love, have great friendships, and I like what I do @ work.  I didn’t always have this contentment, feels like there was always one thing missing in the past.

2001 was a very exciting year for me too.  I was no longer a student, no longer working retail, no longer single.  I was making movies, love, and money all on a regular basis.  I was 22 and my life felt like it was finally happening.

When were you most challenged in your life?
Check my blog archives from Spring/Summer 2004.

If you could turn back time what would you change?
Take better care of my teeth and started saving money sooner.

Thanks, Michael Lucas.

–

Nick did a Reiki session on me tonight.  It was my first time doing that and I felt nervous, like, What if I don’t feel anything?  All you have to do is let your mind go blank and just be present, don’t focus too hard on anything. It’s absolutely real, my body is still humming.  I guess you could say he gave me a hummer.

Break Dancing Drunk

February 7th, 2009 / 3 comments »

Finally got through a long and boring week @ work!  I can’t remember that much about it other than we had a department meeting on Wednesday where they announced they want us on a rotating schedule.  I didn’t bother arguing with them about it b/c there’s pretty much no way in hell I’m changing my schedule on a permanent basis.  I’ve had a regular, consistant schedule for the last year with virtually NO changes — trust me, I’m grateful for it — so I don’t get why they were suddenly insisting that “nobody’s schedule is set”.  Meh.  We went over a lot of other stuff too, but that was what stuck with me most.  Dammit.  I’m so glad to have the next 3 days off.

After work today I went to Target for some paper towels, cereal, and doggie pads.  It was so packed.  I don’t know why I always do this to myself, head in there on weekends when the crowds are ghetto and rowdy.  I got stabbed in the neck before I even got to checkout, yo.

Nick and I went to a houseparty tonight in East Harlem with Patrick, James, Greg, and Laura.  It was OK, I don’t remember any music playing though.  I also hardly saw any decorations or personality anywhere.  No pictures, no painted walls, nothing much in there at all.  Maybe Nick and I have TOO MUCH personality in our space?  I’m not sure.  Patrick just started his own YouTube channel and he’s super excited about it, so we talked a lot about that.  I stayed till about 1:30a and then started to fade out.  When the straight people start break dancing drunk in the middle of the room you know it’s time to leave.  Kissed Nick goodnight and left him with his boys, he said they wouldn’t be out much longer but I’ve heard that before.  Getting used to sleeping alone at least once a week these days, it seems. 

Valentine’s Day is a week from today and I’m not ready!  I wanna do something sweet and celebratory.  You can only enjoy so many quiet nights in until it starts to seem a little cheap.

---

Loose Threads

February 4th, 2009

The Boyfriending videos.  Sparks.  Flying out.  Suba.  Hairspray.  Desserts on Mulberry St.  Crooked Tree.  Sitting in the fountain @ Washingston Sq Park.  Arte pasta empty for us only.  Besitos.  Iowa.  Chicago.  W.  Plan B.  October.  Unpacking.  Hot fries.  Brooklyn wars.  New jobs.  Besitos.  Decorating 3B in candy canes and plants.  Drunk @ Walgreen’s.  Mandy.  Jersey.  Scandanavia.  DC.  Ikea.  So many Broadway shows and restaurants.  Solas, perfect day.  Happy Chris.  Besitos.  Lazy summer days.  Lots of Crumbs.  DC.  Painting.  Fall.  Vlada, out all night.  Happy Nickas.  Besitos.  Roosevelt Island.  Thriller Night.  Pumpkins.  Iowa.  Chicago.  Holidays.  Besitos.  New Year.  Besitos.  January.  Halt.  Bruised heart.  Undone.  Drifting.  Trying.  Slipping.  Losing.

I’ve been doing all this reading about relationships lately.  They say when you’re trying to earn/rebuild trust with someone you have to take some time for yourslef and really think about the future you want to build with them.  Not just look at memories, b/c they won’t help you.  That’s a very ugly and angering thought, that all the memories I’ve built mean nothing now… I don’t believe that’s true.  Life for the past year and half has been a happy merry-go-round only b/c things with Nick have been at the center of it all, blissfully wonderful.  For the first time ever, it’s not good at the center and so nothing else feels good or appealing.  When what’s so woven into the fabric of my life begins to unravel, I feel every thread slipping loose and it’s the only thing I feel.  Watching the untangling is even worse than feeling it and I’m worried I’m just gonna be left with loose threads.  Again.

---

Driftwood

February 1st, 2009 / 1 comment »

I’ll be honest.  I didn’t have a nice trip home.  It was actually kind of polarizing.  Everyone was sort of out of it, out of sorts.  Aside from the sadness of the actual death, my dad was stressed out over family drama stuff — estranged relatives, bitter in-laws, etc — and my sister had a tooth infection and spent most of the weekend heavily medicated and out of it.  Even my mom, usually the one eager to bond, seemed off in her head a lot of the time.  It wasn’t like this when G’ma died, things felt smoother then… this time it all just felt disconnected.  Nobody’s fault, but I did leave feeling down.

I was so eager to get back home to New York on Friday, where I foolishly expected all the intensity and heaviness of last week to be dissolved with little or no remnants.   Not so much, wounds take time to heal.  I went to BSG at M&J’s and then drinking with friends @ No Parking, which was absolutely no fun at all b/c my head and my heart were just underwater.  Things just dont’ feel as close to me anymore.  I feel like the joy in my heart is hazy and blurring away.   I don’t want the rest of the year to be like this.  So wooden, like driftwood.

I mentioned Nick to Aunt Toni.  I thought it was weird she asked me if I still live in the same apartment, and mentioned I should get cats b/c they’re better behaved than dogs — I was like, “Why does she STILL not know I live in the same apartment and have cats with my boyfriend?”  And I realized my mom still is keeping it private, which is her choice I guess, except that it’s now cramping my style when I visit home and relatives ask about my life.  So I told her, and to be honest no it didn’t feel good b/c it wasn’t really me getting to share something great, I felt annoyed and like I was having to correct a mistake. 

The flipside on this is that my folks have been taking lots of steps on their own, in regards to accepting Nick.  They got him Christmas gifts.  They asked about him and his family often.  Acknowledged us and an Us and often mentioned “you guys”.  These are small victories and mean the world to me, b/c I’m not forcing them into happening; they’re doing it on their own.  Open arms are slowly being offered to him in my life, and the timing just couldn’t be any more ironic.

Saw New In Town last night with Karen.  Did Renee Zellweger need the money that bad?  It was god awful.  Everyone was bundled up in scarves and puffy coats the whole time, it just LOOKED uncomfortable onscreen so I couldn’t get into it.

Nick’s working overnight on Valentine’s Day, again.  I’m sad.

---

Next Entries »