Wedding Panic
April 30th, 2009 / No commentsSo I had a dream last night that I was at this wedding. The room wasn’t really a church, more like a an empty, dimly lit space that had been filled with folding chairs and cheap decorations on the walls — there were neon lights up by the makeshift altar. The room was full of people, we were all waiting, and there were also blowup dolls dressed like the bride & groom standing up at the front and it was obviously a joke but just a bad one. They were filled with helium so they’d sort of float upright down the aisle and I remember thinking how tacky they were, so I ran over and pulled them off to the side. When I was up there I looked around and noticed the bride at the back of the room and I knew her! It was Sarah Smith, who I’d grown up with as kid and by the age of 6 or 7 was my first childhood girlfriend/heartbreak; she and I recently reconnected on Facebook so altho I hadn’t seen her in years I recognized her. I also noticed her dad was standing in the back with her and her mom, Patty, was sitting up front crying… and my parents were on the other side, sitting up at the front too. And I thought it was weird I was standing up at the altar where the groom would be — and suddenly it hit me that this was MY wedding to Sarah Smith. I began to panic and a million thoughts started spinning in my head: Why am I here today getting married to a woman? What’s the matter with her, why would she marry a gay guy? Is this a business arrangement? Neither of us needs the papers. I’m so confused… In my head Nick and I had broken up but I was hoping we’d reconcile, so I was freaking out about that too. I can’t get married to a woman, Nick and I will never get back together now! I’ll never get past this, if I get married then I’ll have to get divorced and she’ll empty out my pockets out of spite, and I’ll always be a man divorced from a woman! This isn’t what I want! OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! Sarah and her dad started gathering themselves to walk down the aisle and I ran over to my parents. I was like, “Guys I can’t marry Sarah, I’m gay.” My parent just sat there like brain dead people and were like, “Yeah, we know. None of us can understand what you are doing.” My dad was wearing tinted glasses like Wilford Brimley and my mom had on this weird church lady hat that she would never wear in real life. But they just looked SOMBER, like they’d resigned to being dead inside, and it was freaking me out. Words can’t describe the thunder and banging around going on in my stomach, I wanted to sneak away but I felt like I just couldn’t leave the room.
Then I woke up. My boyfriend was asleep next to me, so I hugged him really close and held his junk just to reassure myself that all was right in my world. It’s always those scary-normal dreams so strikingly REAL (where nobody has 2 heads or can fly or anything) that freak me out the most.
Disclosure
April 29th, 2009 / No commentsTruth is, even tho Nick is back it’s tense and awful between us. We had a huge fight today. I went for a stupid run before work just to get away from the apartment for awhile, cried most of the time, cried all the way to work and just had an awful night. I’m so fucking lost over this, I don’t know how to make things better.
Teeny’s Day Out
April 28th, 2009 / No comments
Bald & Lumpy
April 27th, 2009 / No commentsSaw a dermatologist today about the alopecia spot on the back of my head and the blocked oil duct (i.e. ugly LUMP) on my sinus area. Both things have been bothering me a LOT, cancer survivors tend to be uneasy when growths pop up out of nowhere or when hair starts falling out. Went to this Derm on the east side that a hairstylist suggested, and damn what a waste of my time. She was really holistic, kept talking about wellness and health and spirituality and ugh, i just wanted her to shove a needle in me and pump me full of a magic potion that would FIX me. She did inject some cortizone into the bald spot — which was actually slightly painful, felt like a bunch of tiny little jabs against my skull — but kept giving me the disclaimer that they might not help and that the spot could spread or get bigger. Ugh, I don’t understand, I really don’t get it. I just imagined there’s gotta be SOMEBODY in this city who has figured out how to “fix” this kind of thing, or at least claim to know how (even if they don’t) but so far it’s been a really fruitless search.
Hurr Watch
April 23rd, 2009 / No comments
We were going for baby dyke chic.
I had to cut my hair today. Not only was I getting too moppy but it just seemed like everyone else in the world was having a better hair day than me. Almost like it was intentional. Ugh, I was in such a crappy mood today. I really hate when hotel guests see me at my desk and are like, “Oh my god you’re always here!” Bitch don’t you think I know that? Rub it in with lemon and salt next time! Lord, please turn all of these assholes into shirtless Daniel Craig in a blue speedo so I can learn to love the sight of them.
I wonder how many levels of sad it is when I go to a Duane Reade that is completely out of my way just for the Slim Jim’s I know they’ll have. Any estimates?
Tuesday Night Rambling
April 21st, 2009 / No comments
(Yawn)
April 20th, 2009 / No comments
Immaculate Conception
April 15th, 2009 / No comments
Plastered on scaffolding instead of on me.
Walked past this poster on the street today and nearly came in my pants. Sorry to be so crass but sweet bastard, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is one sexy fucker.