More Heights
May 31st, 2009 / No commentsMet Jax for lunch today @ New Wave, she was a fountain of encouragement, outrage, and support. We wandered around forever, grabbed drinks at Cafe Ronda, and more drinks at Empire. The irony of being there together again (since the last time we were there together was an evening that led to so much change) was not lost on us. We had so much fun today and I’m so glad I spent my afternoon with her — she got me sufficiently hammered and then I was on my way to catch In the Heights with Karen. Karen was my Plan B (Mike couldn’t come… or wouldn’t, I’m really not sure) and it took some coaxing to get her out of her apartment but I’m glad she came. JoLiz was there too, by chance! Brought her adorable mom to see the show.
The show was uplifting as always. Soon as it ended I came right home and booked a flight that leaves just a few hours from now.
Damage
May 30th, 2009 / No commentsIt’s been a rough month. A very rough 2 weeks. Feels like I’ve been spinning around and around, trying to grasp onto anything that’ll put me on balance, even if what I’m grabbing at is anger. There’s been a lot of bitter exchanges in the last few weeks, stemming from me — I’ve done a lot of lashing out at friends during this period. None of this has been the real me, and none of this is anything they deserve. The dust is beginning to settle on my situation and I’m realizing that these people I’ve been sending nasty emails to are the only people I have left.
So today after work I met up with Carrie and Mike on the Hudson, I went humble and just had to apologize. They were both extremely understanding. Then I went to see Jessica uptown and sat with her, did the same. She was very understanding too. Obviously, everyone was hurt and upset by my behavior… but they knew I was coming from a really hurt place, or seem to know this at least. Not sure if it matters much anymore. One thing I know for sure, none of them would have reacted the way I did.
I don’t know if things will go back to normal between me and them b/c to be honest I don’t think my friendships with any of them are as strong as they used to be, and I think this was the case WAY before I began erupting at them. I actually think part of why I tore at them the way I did was b/c I’ve been so annoyed at how far away they seem, or have seemed over the last few years. But this isn’t a new thing, weve been here before.
I hung out with them for the rest of the evening. We went to BBQ’s and hung out at the apartment for a little while longer. Mike’s leaving for a big trip with Patrick soon so a lot of talk was about that. Patrick… that’s a whole other damage control situation I’m just not touching for awhile. But today was a start.
Hiccup
May 28th, 2009 / No commentsWatching TV and laughed at something funny. Out of habit turned my head to look over @ Nick.
Instant sad. This is gonna take time.
Slimmer
May 27th, 2009Went for a run before heading into work today. It’s felt really good being more active lately, I find myself not wanting to miss a daily run if possible — which is so weird for me. Truth is it’s a great way to get outta my emotions and my head, just run and think “Breathe, run, breathe, run.” I had trouble getting out of my head tho today (due to some bothersome Facebook activity) and quit my run after 10 minutes. Then I turned around and got right back on and ran another 25 minutes, I didn’t want to quit. I wanted to push myself. I still don’t know much about calories or even distances, I just know that I run @ a speed of 4.5 at an incline of 1.5 on the treadmill, and I do this for 30-35 minutes and am all sweaty by the end. That’s all I really know! It felt good to test my endurance and surprise myself, actually. I think I’m almost trying to push myself and impress myself physically, so that I can try matching myself emotionally to endure the same stuff. Layers, huh.
I guess it’s working tho. 3 different coworkers mentioned to me that my face looks slimmer. And a hotel guest I haven’t seen in a month or so checked in tonight and said, “You look great! You been dropping some pounds?” It was awesome! You can never really tell on your own if you look better, so it’s nice to hear. Aside from that, work dragged on tonight. It was my Monday back and there’s so many changes there lately, everyone is just in this very strange mood. Feel like I can’t let myself slip up ever. Tonight was one of my manager’s last day and he got really candid, letting me know who he thinks is a bitch and why. It was awkward.
I didn’t email or txt Nick at all today. It was hard. But I am trying to pull back. Wonder if he wonders about me the way I wonder about him…
After work I came home and watched this PBS documentary on my favorite Broadway musical “In the Heights”, which was amazing. I caught an episode of Make Me a Supermodel and at one point I was sitting there on the sofa and something was funny and I laughed our loud and out of habit, turned my head to look over at Nick (who wasn’t there, obviously). Instant sad. This is gonna take time.
Searching & Sitting
May 26th, 2009This morning I got up and went to the Swedish Embassy, spoke to the consulate about relocating. I felt stupid being all, “Um hi I want to maybe live in Sweden… how do I do it?” but I figured if there’s anyone who’s job it is to inform you it’s theirs. The guy I spoke to was super nice but pretty much let me down gently, ain’t no way it’s happening unless I’m a full-time student already enrolled in school there. Or unless I’m going for a job that’s already lined up. Or unless I’m going to be with a Swedish partner. Sigh.
Tried the Spanish Embassy too. I know, I know. These are all just ridiculous ideas that I’m probably only doing b/c they’re places Nick is connected to and are ways to feel Nick close to me. Maybe I even have held this silly idea that if I moved away he’d see I’m more than just what he saw, and maybe we’d work it out again someplace new and exciting. I realize how dumb this sounds… my heart just wishes for something to hold onto, something I can rest on and say, “Maybe not now, maybe it can work later.” I truly am interested in changing my life and leaving New York, that’s not fake at all. I just really REALLY want to do this with Nick at my side. I can’t help it.
This afternoon I ran around the city getting little supplies for this little package I haven’t decided I’m going to send or not. I’ve already changed my mind a few times and also changed the entire direction I was going in with it — my plan was to send him a set of keys to the house and be really cutesy about it, like a “This package is a time machine, here are the keys. Please come home.” Actually Mike and Jessica (who I saw last night) helped me see that I can’t do that, it can’t just be about me and what I want and need b/c the truth is Nick is happy living alone right now. He and I moved so fast when we met, basically skipped dating altogether… if there is ANY chance of us finding something together again, I have to be willing to take all the steps we skipped. And that means him coming right back home won’t fix anything. So I have to change my sights. Not sure about sending this package now, if I do it’ll be a different thing. No keys, I left them with Mike.
I txted Nick twice today. Couldn’t help it. Everything was making me think about him. Pheobe on Friends (he loves her), House Hunters on HGTV, Indian restaurants all over the city (he always wanted to try some), walking past Bloomingdales and remembering the night of my Fashion Show… a million reminders of him everywhere I go, with my eyes open or even closed. He is woven into me. I told him I want to start over, to rebuild a new way back to something between us. He emailed me back that he thinks slowly and organically is the key way, if we can do it. Said he doesn’t want me being on hold, always waiting on his decisions and that we have to both do things that are healthy for us in the meantime. He reminded me that the whole idea is for him to be feeling better, and also assured me that this isn’t easy for him either — he sees all the same reminders that I do too, and hasn’t forgotten. That felt good to hear.
While I was out today I decided to try IKEA again, this time I went to the one in Brooklyn. It was easy, you take a ferry from Pier 11 and you’re there in 20minutes. I’d called ahead and they had the sofa I wanted, but when I got there I was told it was out of stock. So I wandered around the store, feeling fucking sad that I was going to have to go home again to that empty tomb of a living room, and I actually spotted exactly what I wanted in the warehouse. They had it there! So I threw it onto a cart and bought it. Paid the extra $99 for same day delivery and yes, I have a sofa again. I admit it doesn’t feel as comforting as I’d hoped. Feels hollow. That’s just part of this process, I guess.
I got the same brown one Nick and I had. I confess, I thought about getting green but I thought, No wait if he and I get back together and he moves back in then we’ll have 2 different color sofas, which won’t look good. So if I get the brown one maybe then we can push them side by side and have one really long brown sofa. Again, I know how ridiculous these thoughts are. They’re painful thoughts and hopes but I suppose they’re a way for me to feel like he’s still close.
Wrench
May 25th, 2009Today was memorial day. Basically just another day for me though.
Yesterday morning I actually had to call out sick from work. Woke up and my left ear had been bleeding (?!) so I went to the Eye & Ear Infirmary to get it checked out. They said it was just a cut, nothing too serious, cleaned it out and gave me a presciption of antibiotic drops. If only they could do the same for my bleeding heart. Sorry, this poingant mode I’m in is so… well, just so. Really having a hard time right now.
Last night I met up with Nick. Finally resonded to his email, even tho I’d spent a few days trying to bring myself to be hurt and angry and bitter enough to not respond. I mean, his email basically said everything that needed to be said: “I don’t think we should be together. I don’t think we’re the right match. And I’m just not able to trust you anymore”. Said more than that but those are the things that hit me the hardest, the saddest sentances in the world. Especially when I’ve spent the last 19 months thinking I’ve been with the person I’d share dreams and plans with for the rest of my life. Maybe it started this way, but we’re not both on the same page anymore. Still, I don’t have the capacity to seal my heart up and move on… not without spilling it out first. Face to face. I had things to share.
I emailed him and went for a run @ the gym. Nick got back to me right away, and we met up @ Columbus Circle. Had an awkward and emotional dinner at an awful diner on 57th Street and spent the next gut-wrenching 7hrs walking around the city trying to figure out what to do with how we both feel. I don’t know where any of this got us, I know it didn’t make me feel better about anything. He said a lot of things that were honest and painful to hear. He also said some things that made me think he realizes he didn’t always give me the benefit of the doubt, made assumptions about things I wouldn’t be interested in w/o ever asking me. Like this wine bar on 9th ave. He took me to see it and mentioned how he’d gone once with a coworker, convinced I would never want to go, and then realized he’d never actually asked me. I honestly went hoping I could change his mind, that if I just told him how much this is hurting and how sorry I am for everything that maybe we could start over. Nick was very resolved, it’s clear he’s felt this way for a long time. We walked in silence for some time and somewhere along 38th Street the disconnectedness just overwhelmed me (“I don’t know how to be your boyfriend anymore”), I couldn’t hold it together anymore. Began sobbing and begging, just fell apart pretty much. It’s still hard for me to think about. We cabbed up to Columbus Circle and sat by the fountains, and I just tried to let it all out. Nick was crying too. He said it felt wrong moving around the city alone, that the city is me, and that he feels like he’s always running away. It felt comforting to hear.
It was about 4am and we were exhausted. It has been an ugly and messy night for us both, not just for me. When he got off @ 155th I realized I hadn’t given him something I’d meant to. It was a card I’d written, a long note sharing things I wanted to make sure he knew in case I didn’t say them out loud, and a bracelet like the one I sent him when I was trying to convince him to come to NYC to meet me. God, just writing this makes me want to cry. Anyway, I realized I didn’t know when I was seeing him again, or if I was even seeing him again, and without thinking I jumped out @ 163rd Street and went running up to the street chasing after him. I really wanted him to have this. I called him and he met me on the corner of 158th & St. Nicholas (awkward @ 4:30am). Stood there for what felt like forever, we both just kept saying “I don’t know what to do.” Kissed and hugged, and I cried home.
Just typing this out is killing me. I’m doing it b/c, well it’s what I have to do. You can’t conceal yourself from your fears and pain, you have to expose yourself to it. Maybe this is true with healing too.
I went to IKEA today, hoping to get a sofa. I need one desperately, have been camping out in the bedroom ever since Nick moved out. It’s depressing and I hate it. There was supposed to be a big sale on the exact sofa I wanted @ IKEA today but by the time I got there they were totally sold out of the frames. Wasted trip, and then I was left wandering IKEA in tears. Nick and I had such a wonderful experience there when we refurnished the apartment, I felt like we were this perfect team. Being there today really really brought me down.
It’s been such an emotional time.
Follow It
May 23rd, 2009 / No comments
Kick In the Heart
May 22nd, 2009My phone buzzed in my pocket during the final hour @ work today. It was an email from Nick. Immediately my stomach clenched up cuz we hadn’t been interacting much at all since I saw him last week on my birthday. I only got through the first few lines before that kick in my stomach started moving up to my chest. Slow and dull but resonating like a damn sonar. I mumbled something to Bryan, heart in my throat, about needing to be right back and I went outside to a nearby cluster of benches to read through the message. He broke up with me.
I went for a long hard run afterwork. Yesterday I ran sporadic and lazy, couldn’t get out of my head. Today was different, detatched almost and strong. I prayed to God not to let my heart harden, the thing I’m most afraid of now is how this — another heartbreak — is going to shape me going forward (not that i am thinking too far ahead right now). I thought about a lot of things tho, and made a decision today that I’m going to begin working on. More on this sometime, maybe. Maybe not. Have to see how this goes. Metup with an old friend tonight for dinner on the UWS, we hadn’t seen each other in years. I was so inspired by her and the changes she’s made in her life and it felt good to spend time listening to somebody, hearing good uplifting things. But I’ll be honest, I just wanted today to be something — anything — other than the day Nick Dumped Me. So Catching Up With Friend it is.
On August 4th, 2007 I dropped Nick off @ LGA airport after a perfect and amazing weekend, it was our first meeting really, and I remember calling Meg as soon as I went outside. I told her, “Meg, this boy is going to be the end of me, I just know it. If this takes off and doesn’t last, it’s gonna kill me.” I keep thinking about that today.
Did you know that when you delete your “In A Relationship” status on Facebook, it makes you click a link that says “Cancel this Relationship”? It’s fucking hard to do it, even tho it’s one little action it feels like you’re officially quitting… even tho I was not the one who quit. Tears welled up in my eyes at this point but they don’t fall, truth is is I haven’t cried once today. I’ve got a few big breakups under my belt and they all hurt like a new level of pain you didn’t know existed, mostly dissappointment… this helpless feeling, like you’ve been robbed. But moving on gets a little easier, at least you try to see it that way. I just don’t feel that way this time. Words can’t begin to describe what’s happening in me right now. Nick said some kind things in his email, he also said things that hurt and bothered me… in his email. I just stared at my blackberry and could only read; almost 2yrs of love and sharing and more dreams than I’ve ever planned on before… and I didn’t get a chance to say things, ask things, apologize, or even say goodbye. The chance was taken from me. I didn’t respond, don’t think I need to or that it really matters to him at this point, which breaks my heart the most.
Breakups shouldn’t happen via email, and when they do, i think it says a lot. Now is the part where I shut my eyes, dig as deep inside as possible, and pull a reboot like I’ve never done before.