30
May 15th, 2009 / 9 comments »
This isn’t me all of the time, even most of the time. Trust: there’s a lot of fighting back tears on the subway rides home and I have actually even picked out a little secret sofa in the empty lounge @ work, where nobody comes or sees me if I need to “step away”. Words cannot describe what it’s like seeing something lovely unravel. As hard as all of this is for me, it’s gotta be even worse for Nick. He didn’t come here to get his own apartment and work and live alone in New York, he came here tobe with me so for him this transition must be so many levels of scary and lonely and “Oh my God, what am I doing?” This is hard. It’s hard for us both and it aches and it’s sad.
I’m trying. And I am happy to be here at 30, despite the dark clouds overhead. It was supposed to rain all day on my birthday, but it didn’t once. It was a gorgeous green day and a warm evening. Nick actually took me to dinner last night @ Candela Candela, where we had amazing Ropa Vieja and coconut mojitos. The host brought me a small chocolate molten cake with ice cream and they all sang me Happy Birthday (“Happy Birthday dear…. uh? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”), I couldn’t stop smiling even when I blew out the candle. Having not seen Nick in over a week since before he even moved out, it was awkward and strange but felt good and comforting to be with him; it was all I truly wanted to do. Nick and I walked up 2nd ave and he kissed me happy birthday on the corner of St. Mark’s Place. He came home with me and I got to wake up with him on my birthday (my wish came true). Spent the morning in bed and we went downtown together, he headed off to work and I took myself to brunch @ Norma’s. My phone service was not working there, which is probably good b/c it forced me to just sit with my thoughts and enjoy the time (and my amazing breakfast). I so did. Walked outside later and through the Park, listened to all the birthday vmails ppl had left me, wishing me a beautiful 30th. I headed home, regrouped, and made my way back downtown for a 3hr spa day @ Devachan! Then the gym — yes, it was important to me that I make the gym a part of my 30th bday today, as getting fit is something I want to keep focused on. After a 25min run and quick rinse — which felt wobbly and tiring – I met Karen @ Garage for dinner. We had asian spring rolls and I had steak frites and a mojito martini; it was fabulous, just what I wanted. We checked out Little Branch (so cute how it’s hidden away) and didn’t stay long but I def wanna go back and have one of those butter rum cocktails.
Karen gave me 2 books, they’re both about Seahorses. One is full of facts and images and info about their species in general, how they’re used for Chinese medicine, how the male pregnancy works, all this random shit – I love it! The other is a glittery kids book about a little happy seahorse who got swept away from his friends and cozy life by a big wave that carried him over to a new reef he didn’t know. He was scared and lonely but made new friends and had new experiences that opened his mind a bit, and when a new wave came along he swam into it and it took him back home. Overidentify, much? Yup. I absolutely love this present.
I have so much in my heart and my head at this moment and I’m not sure how much of it I want to share on here. I think the time for spilling every little thing I feel out into the webiverse has come and gone, not something I feel the need to do anymore. I think I just need to try to (forgive the metaphor) ride this wave and see where it takes me… shit maybe it’ll be someplace better. Oh, you know something I love about Seahorses? They have built-in suits of armor in their little bodies. Seriously, not scales like other fish — it’s like plating under their skin. They’re tough little creatures and I’m drawing some inspiration from them these days.
Hopeful 30th to me. :)
9 Responses to “30”
I really sorry, Chris, but I’m sending you a lot of happy, positive vibes! You have the right attitude! Enjoy your day, in fact, make this day, everyday for the time being!
I added you on Twatter. Hopefully, you’ll add me. I know you’ve locked up your profile only viewable to the elites. ;)
You look great btw. Someone got some work done. ;)
Wishing you the best!
Al
Oh! Chris I just loved that! I love your smile.
Oh if I were there I’d give you a hug. I hope everything works out for the 2 of you!
M.
Dear Chris, I was so sad when I saw your video. I’ve wanted you 2 guys to make it every since I watched your first video’s. So….I have lit a candle to the Virgin for you….and I am sorry about the crack about your eyebrows……Newportjoey….hang in there Chrissy….take a look at Dlisted.com it will take your mind off of things……. Smooches
I have watched you on YouTube since you two were beginning. I am so sad it didn’t work out.Following some of your tweets I feel for you. I wish I was there to give you a hug and tell it it will get better.
Chris, I have been a long time fan and wish you nothing but peace and happiness BUT I have to know the name of the song and the artist of that tune in your birthday video!!
I sincerely hope is all going well with you as you deserve happiness.
Nina Simone – Ain’t Got No…I’ve Got Life
Got it! Thanks for turnng me on to that.
hey i cant believe your gay.i dont have anything against gay people i think there cool but you dont look like the kind of person thats gay your sooo HOT
lotz of lovvee xxxxxx
chris,
as others have said, i have watched up for a long time. i was one of the viewers long before nick. i loved watching your story unfold. i don’t go on youtube as often anymore–but i got to thinking about you a few days ago. that lead me to catch up on your posts (thought it’s been over 2 months since your last). it appears it’s been going on awhile, but it is all news to me this day. i am not sure why nick moved out, but i am sorry to hear about it. i know what that is like. scared is a good word for it. i will not give you one of the random platitudes (read: you will be fine, life happens, it will all work out for the best). not that these things are not true–it’s just not what needs to be said i feel. you move through things how you move through them. time wounds all heels. all the best—sending you love and thoughts of hope stranger friend.
~planetbaldy (a.k.a. Jason)