Social Crucifixion on the Subway Saturday, October 19, 2002

So I was standing on the train the other day, it was jam-packed and ppl were STILL trying to cram their bigass bodies in.  My coat was heavy and hot and I'm sweating through my favorite shirt and I'm just pissed.  I'd had a long day @ work and needed to not be around ppl.  Somehow, wedged in tight and gripping the pole bar in front of me, I managed to find a comfort zone and dozed off.  I can fall asleep on the train in like 2 minutes, the hum and buzz of the trainsit system just knowcks me out.  But it's not often that I fall sleep while standing on my feet.  My eyes were just heavy and I felt my body sag into itself, my balance shifted and for a second I was weightless.  The next thing I felt was my face smashing into the shoulder of the girl standing next to me.  It took my a minute to realize that I had just crashed into her.  I could feel the heat rushing to my face as all the eyes looked down on me, judging... socially crucifying.  Of course, I pretended like nothing of the sort had just happened and just I looked down, cleared my throat, and readjusted my backpack.  Maybe we can all just pretend that didn't just happen, I thought to myself.  Denial is a wonderful, wonderful thing.  It worked b/c I was able to just THINK it all away and find my inner happy place again.  Yeah, well that didn't last too long b/c less than a minute later, I'd fallen asleep and crashed into her again.  This time it was my full body weight and we both toppled over.  I don't even know what I said, the apologies and self-depricating excuses just poured out of my mouth like vomit.  Somebody offered up their seat to the poor girl, and I spent the rest of the ride home pinching myself everytime I got sleepy.

No.  I have no grace.

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