Daria episodes online! Holy shit! This been the best week of websurfing, I swear. Helen Morgandorfer, Jane Lane, Sandi and the Fashion Club -- oh how I've missed them all. It seriously feels like seeing old friends again. Sometimes when I'm home I'll just pull up an episode and let it play in the background while I'm working on whatever. MTV needs to figure this music licensing shit out already and get us those goddamn DVD's -- and I want the FULL versions, not those crappy edited ones that aired on The N a few years ago.

"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay. I know it's a little oversynthed and yeah, some folks are calling Coldplay daddyrock... but I just love them. They churn out catchy pop anthem like candy from a gumball machine and I'm a sucker for that shit. I especially love the lyrics of the song, that whole fallen leader POV ; someone who had it all once, then fell, and now only has his perspective. Chris Martin lives tying in Biblical phrases and sensibilities to his songs.

That amazing "In the Heights" performance at the Tony Awards 2 weeks ago. Yes I have that shit favorited on YouTube. They took the 2 most energetic songs of the show and laced them together perfectly. If Abuela Claudia had belted out that Pacience & Fe number I would have been an emotional wreck. I've been lauding this show since I saw it off-Broadway in January 2007 and I'm so glad it's finally getting the raves it deserves.

"Sleep Deep: Guided Meditation" by Lita. I found this when I was looking up foot reflexology info (cuz I'm facinated by nerve endings in the feet) and it's amazing. The relaxtion guide Lita has the most soothing voice --- she could guide me off a bridge and I'd do it. I like the version without background music, cuz I don't really need to be hearing horny dolphins and the flutter of bird wings when I'm just trying to catch some zzz's on the uptown A.

SteeLon messenger bags @ Uniqlo. They come in duffel, tote, messenger, mini, pouch --- all sizes and colors, and so yes of course I have to own one of each. I've already purchased like, 15 of them. I'm addicted, they're so cute and cheap and I love that I finally found a bag perfect for the gym, or a weekendd trip, or to fit my laptop and stuff w/o being too slim and tight or too bulky and wide.

Speaking of weekends away, NIck & I are headed back to D.C. tonight for another quick visit. We weren't sure if the weather would be ok but we're gonna go for it anyway. We're staying downtown this time so that'll be cool. He's got some stuff in West Virginia he wants to see, a cemetary or something, and I just wanna go back and hang out in the Georgetown Mall... and buy more of that amazing peanut butter walnut fudge.

It's the little things that matter.

I'm supposed to get my color done @ Dramatic's NYC later this afternoon. I told Eagle I'd burn a little slideshow of all the different stuff he's done to my hair over the years, so I spent about half an hour this morning looking through old pictures I haven't seen in awhile. It's kind of a trip. If I never started this documenting my life on this blog 6yrs ago I probably wouldn't have so many picture reminders of things like my hairstyles and varying states of happiness. Or see how my cheekbones are less and less sharp as the years go by, and how my cheeks get fuller. Dammit.

I caught myself the other day thinking of myself as 30. It took a sec for me to remember, Oh wait I'm only 29. 30's still a year away. We'll, 10months and change but who's counting?

... And what if they DO find something in my bloodwork? Some small cluster of cancer cells that have emerged out of nowhere. How would I find myself dealing, I wonder? The last time I dealt with this I did it mostly alone. Of course mom and dad were praying strong in Texas and my friends were only a phone call/IM mssg away... but I was very much flying solo... and i did good. A little dramatic at the end, burning shit and all, but still. My life is different now, there's just more richness when I look at what I have, so I guess I'd be OK. I work in a place that I (like to) think would hold a spot open for me if for any reason I had to leave for Camp Chemo, and Nick is a little Viking. If for some reason this all became too heavy for me to handle, I know he could be strong enough for the both of us. These are little shiny treasures to me, I know they're special and not everyone gets them. I do feel lucky.

UPDATE:

Nick & I are talking about heading to D.C. again on Sunday night for a few days. I loved hanging in Georgetown last time we were there, would love to see it again. Maybe Boston, or Philly instead --- I've never really hung out in either city. And we can do it on the cheap cuz Nick's still got a stack of those Comfort Inn vouchers and those Chinatown buses are amazing, yo. With all the money we can save we're actually talking about getting a cleaning lady to come in twice a month and clean our shit. I know, it's disgusting of me to even consider it but straightup, there's no way in hell I'm gonna scrub them cruddy floors in the apartment.

Dear sir,
I will do this for you in exchange for a whore and 2 bags of goat meat. Please advise.

Mister Chris

I know I know, but you gotta show some business savvy. If you just say OK right away then they'll think you're stupid.

Got outta work @ 3:30p and met Nick in Soho for lunch. I'd only had lemon water and some fruit all morning (trying to make it a habit), so I was ready to a big lunch. We went to some italian place on MacDougal & Bleecker, I had spagehtti and meatballs, and somehow got into this big discussion out of nowhere about the state of America and our freedoms and blahblahblah --- I blame that annoying Jay Leno message everyone's fwd'ing around. The talk got too heavy so we went to the pet store on Christopher St and looked at puppies. Nick is obsessed with getting an Italian Greyhound. I'm vetoing that with all my might, our place is already a Petco. Plus, if we ever do get another dog i REALLY want a teacup chihuahua... cuz I'm that gay. But I promise I wouldn't carry it around in a bag... well, maybe just a Jack Spade bag.

We went to an event tonight @ Sushi Sakae, which was AWFUL. The only thing I liked was that it was inside the Chrysler Building, which I'd never been to before yesterday. Never, in all of 10yrs. It's amazing the things I still haven't done.

Things I Still Haven't Done
Coney Island
crossed the Brooklyn Bridge
Campbell Apartment
Guggenheim Museum
Shakespeare in the Park
Bronx Zoo
Roosevelt Island
helicopter tour
seen anything @ Radio City
walked all of Broadway
Boat Basin Cafe
Century 21
any kind of Chinatown festival
Saturday Night Live

Things I Plan to Never Do
New Years Eve in Times Sq
any major holiday/heritage parade (i.e. Thanksgiving, Puerto Rican)
Ice Skating @ Rockefeller/Central Park
hang in East Harlem
Red Lobster Times Square
fly out of Teterboro Airport
wait in line @ Magnolia Bakery
feed pigeons
waive camera/signs at the Today Show
Phantom of the Opera
encourage those hiphop gymnasts on the subway

So yeah, the event sucked but I had a free iced green tea and then they drove us through midtown in one of those double decker tour buses, which was kinda fun. Being able to reach up and touch a streetlight is cool. The tour guide was full of random NYC info --- I had no idea that Jackie O was paid to stay married to JFK for public reasons!

We went to see Being Boeing, which was hilarious. I'd seen it in previews last month and loved it. Gretchen the german stewardess was my favorite, so big and mannish and bellowing. Kristen Johnson (3rd Rock) was in the audience and I'm pretty sure she was there studying to take over the part of Gretchen later on --- she'd be perfect! Bradley Whitford is still playing the lead and I don't get him, he just sucks. I hated him on Studio 60 and I hated him in this, the arrogance is just palpable. He's supposed to be playing the straight man to Mark Rylance being all rantic and over the top, like Tony Curtis to Jerry Lewis in the movie version. But the audience goes NUTS for Mark Rylance's hysterics so Bradley Whitford starts to camp it up too and then it just seems like a Show Off Competition. Anyway, the show was amazing. Nick laughed so much he cried. We got Cold Stone after the show --- I'm serious as cancer when I say that rythym is a dancer, and also when I say that their Our Strawberry Blonde on a waffle bowl is the SHIT! Like an orgasm in my mouth and I swallowed every drop. Ew, sorry.

I've been watching Northern Exposure on DVD lately, Nick got me the complete series for my birthday. God I forgot how much I love this weird show. What an unusual series this must have been to pitch to networks and producers... a cast of total unknown actors of all ages and types, in this boring setting, where nothing important ever happens. Yet it's so fascinating. They always crept this mystic, poignant tone and made you think about life... or maybe that was just me. The "Northern Lights" episode was one of my all time favorites. Holling and Shelly must have been the ODDEST couple on TV at the time, him being old enough to be her grandfather at the time. And I always had big love for Marilyn Whirlwind, always sitting there quietly knitting and observing; her shit was unflappable.

Dropped some frames off @ the optometrist today @ 116th, a red pair and green pair. Can't wait to get them back with my prescription, they're really cool. Stood outside the window of Amy Ruth's and let my mouth water at the chicken & waffles. Took the 2 to the UWS and deposited some money, cashed in some loose change ($52!) @ one of those Coinstar machines, and enjoyed the late afternoon rainshower.

Have to go to the courthouse tomorrow. Jury summons.

UPDATE: There is nothing more strange and fun that sitting with a bunch of strangers in a piano bar, everyone glued to the plasma, watching the Tony's. Whoopi rocked as a the host, Patti Lupone gave a fucking awesome acceptance speech for Gypsy, and In The Heights won for Best Musical. Nick came to meet me after he got out of work and we took the 1 home together. Nice day.

Everyone got new tattoos recently. I still can't commit to having ANYTHING on my skin forever. I'm not sure if that's saying something good or not. I sometimes like to think about what I'd get and I usually end up going straight for a small graphic, like I don't know... a searhorse or something. I love seahorses, they're so weird --- like, did you know male seahorses are the ones who give birth? So cool. Then again, I really like the idea of those word/phrase tattoos. Carrie got the phrase "Awake and Unafraid". That's cute.

I took two $30 cab rides tonight, one to the party and one home. That's INSANE for me but I just didn't have the paitence to deal with the subway. Meg called me on the ride back uptown, we discussed the Sex&theCity movie at length. She said the movie made her miss NYC and think of me.

Today I made a huge discovery: Arby's has returned! I don't know why it never occured to me to check the Store Locator on the official website, but I did it this morning during a slow moment at work and BEHOLD --- there's one in food court at Queens Mall! REJOICE! REJOICE! I took the R out to Queens afterwork and made a beeling for the mall. I was so happy, it was almost spiritual --- hell, it was a damn near trantric experience. I could feel the wind flying past me as I ran, arms outstretched and tears of joy streaming down my face, towards the big neon FOOD COURT sign. When I got there I saw they were having a combo deal and I just got STUPID. Did you know $11 buys you a JUMBO roast beef combo with large curly fries and a drink, and FOUR junior roast beef sandwiches? Just an FYI.

The happiness continued to swell. I wandered through the mall (think that counts as cardio?) and found the EXACT pair of Yoshi shoes I've been wanting in brown. Now I've got them in black, white, and cognac. I love ALDO. Cute shoes are important, and I never seem to find what I'm looking for, so this is exciting.

I called Nick from the food court to share my excitement and it totally got trumped by his own big news. Looks likely that he'll be climbing up out of Front Desk Pee-On status to the fabulous ranks of High Class Servant (i.e. Concierge) at his hotel, which is very cool and might even mean we start working the same type of schedule. Will be pretty cool if we both wind up doing the same kind of work, it'll make bitching about our days so much more fun.

Happy day. Earlier at work all the computers, phones, and elevators stopped working for awhile. I wonder if if had anything to do with it being Friday the 13th.

So a lot of gay folks are upset this week b/c of that video of Shia Lebouf going around the web where he's drunk with his friends and tossing "faggot" around. And I'm one of them --- one of the upset gays, that is. Well, a faggot too... but not the kind implied.

It's not so much that he said the word Faggot. I actually don't get so riled up over that mess, cuz it's just a WORD and it only has the power that I give it. I'm not on the Word Police, trying to get it removed from the public vernacular. In fact, embracing derogatory words like Queer and NancyBoy and Faggot almost makes them ironic and powerless. Almost. What I DON'T like about what Shia says in the video is that he means it as an insult. He's antagonizing his friend by calling him a weak pussy, and of course, Faggot gets tossed in there too b/c to Shia, faggots/gays aren't real men. This is what I have the problem with.

My boy J @ work, who happens to be a big swishy queen from Queens, was saying that he doesn't think it's a big deal b/c it clearly wasn't said in a hateful way, or said to a gay man as an insult. For J, this would be crossing the line --- for a straight man to call a gay man a faggot. But I don't agree. It IS a big deal, not b/c I'm offended by the word itself but b/c I'm offended by the intent behind it. And the implication that calling someone a Faggot is a put-down b/c being a Faggot is a bad thing that a real man should be embarassed about. This is what's not cool about it and what an apology doesn't change. We see this attitude too often in young straight guys. They wanna be cool and hip and seen as open-minded, but when it all comes down -- is this really what they think?

Shia, let me say that I get it: you were young and showing off, getting rowdy with friends. I've said some FUCKED UP shit too in the inner circle and if somebody had filmed it and leaked it, I'd probably look and sound the way you do in your video. And I also will give you some slack b/c in truth, I don't believe you were being mailcious or hateful. But I hope you know better now.

Also? I'd be careful about pissing off your gay fanbase, cuz once you piss them off you lose them for good (see: Tom Cruise). And I'm sorry, kiddo, but with that nose of yours you're gonna need all the support you can get.

We took naps, had lunch, and then went to see "Made of Honor". I'd already seen it when it came out but had been wanting to see it again. Not a big McDreamy fan (I actually think the girl in the movie is really sexy) but I am powerless against rom-com's set in Manhattan with Top 40 music playing in the background. Yes, they get together in the end.

After the movie we got Pinkberry (I always get the medium sized Original with strawberries, pineapple, and fruity pebbles) and sat at the Columbus Circle fountains. I got really Mexican and went barefoot in the water for a bit. Later we walked up to 72nd and took the 1 uptown, I went to Target for cutoff tees to wear around the house, and Nick went shopping for dinner. We had steak chunks and potatoes and watched Sex & the City on DVD. He's only seen a few episodes. I forgot how bad season 1 was. Poor Miranda, always eating and wearing bad clothes.

Working at 10am tomorrow, a 9hr day. My schedule changes from now on: no more 4day weeks and no more Sundays off. Sigh.

I looked over at Nick sitting next to me in the theater today. He had his feet tucked up onto the seat with him, looked about 6yrs old staring up at the screen in his bright red shoes. He's pretty damn adorable.

I spent $135 on cabs in the last 24 hours and it brought me a good amount of fascinating (unasked for) conversation. I learned a lot about the ppl driving me.

ANTHONY: Hilarious. Strong accent, only listens to Bob Marley and only watches The View. Is lactose intolerant and says if he drinks milk he'll get gas so powerful it scares him. Loves celebrity gossip. Is pro-gay marriage. Hates J.Lo and said he'd like to throw her in the backseat of his cab, roll up all the windows, drink some milk and kill her with one of his farts. Had lots of questions about life in NYC. Hustled hard to get a big tip.

LAUREL: 47yrs old, two kids, works with "Muslim assholes" who don't like when she wears shorts. Thinks ppl get married too young. Starting her last year of nighttime nursing school. She's in a long-distance phone relationship with a man she met once 2 months ago, they talk every night and she looks fwd to it all day. A hot ragged mess, spoke like Blair's cousin Jeri on Facts of Life. Possibly had vodka in her coffee cup.

GINA: Lost 170lbs 3yrs ago from gastric bypass but misses food. Still buys fat lady clothes out of habit. Stuck in a new marriage she regrets and is afraid to leave. Hates coffee. Misses her mother. Loves being a cabbie b/c she gets to listen to other people and they listen to her.

So many people out there feel aimless. It's staggering.
I've gotta learn how to drive,

Is there a smart/cute way of explaining why I forsook this sturdy standby blog (2002 - present) for the flash-in-the-pan fun of video entries only? Videos that, as I understand based on emails I've gotten from a staggering amount of readers, most of you aren't able to view due to firewalls at work or slowass connections at home... or maybe just due to flatout refusal to give into the YouTube hype. Hey, I get it. I'm a bit annoyed at me too. But let's not pretend that I've ever been anything more than an attention-seeker when it all comes down in the end, so who's really suprised that I eventually moved on to making my e-platform one I could literally be seen from? Vlogs just seemed like the easiest way to come off as clever and entertaining, immediate impressions made based solely on the cute shirt I'm wearing or how good of a hair day I'm having... you know, as opposed to actually having to THINK about the WORDS I'm sharing and the EFFORT of dropping them into sentances. Honestly, I guess I just didn't feel like writing. But all good things things comes to those who wait, unless you're Hillary Clinton, and so my guilt has brought me back to this blog. In word form. There WILL be video entries frequently, just cuz it's become a fun project for me, but I'll try and be better at seasoning these here pages with plump and juicy written entires from time to time. OK, "plump" and "juicy" totally make me think of vile things like arm moles on old ladies. Damn. Sorry.

I vow to write more.

So I'm in love. His name is Jordan Catalano. He's was left back, twice. If you just read that and caught the My So-Called Life shoutout then you rock. Stay close to me. But no, really --- I am indeed one half of those people who get to wake up and roll over and hold onto the person they're in love with. And it's not my dog! His name is Nick. He's smart and loving and beautiful, and I can't believe my life with him is really my life. Get comfortable while I paint the picture.

As so much of my world got rocked early in 2007 by the great crash & burn with Pedro (wish him all the best, btw), I found myself in need of a Life. I realized I'd been so deep into the Boyfriend Vortex that I just didn't know what to do to be normal, so I reconnected with friends, I got in better shape, I took day trips and had little adventures, I bought myself a Mac with a built-in webcam, I got hobbies... and one of those hobbies was YouTube. When YouTube first popped up I fell in love with it, but I only saw it as this giant web library of video clips where you could watch opening credits of 80's TV sitcoms or maybe upload music videos. Then I found this entire nation of people on there making video journal entries and putting them online for people to see, and I became fascinated. It was like witnessing Evolution, or de-Evolution depending on how you look at the rise/fall from novels to columns to blogging to podcasting and so on. I just started watching, subscribing to different folks who had nothing and everything to say -- they talked about their lives, their jobs, their relationships, their favorite things. One of those people I found was a guy named Nickas Arbata.

I was charmed by him right away. Blond and stunning (think VonTrapp), young (WAY TOO YOUNG) and insightful and bored out of his mind in Iowa where he'd just moved after leaving a cheating ex behind in Spain, Nick became my webcrush. So since I'd been making my own videos for a few months too, and since I pretty much had nothing to lose, I made him a flirty video introducing myself. He surprisingly enough thought it was funny and cute, or that I was funny and cute, and made a video back. When started chatting online and talking on the phone a lot, and I started a series of playful videos to get him to come to New York on a date. At this point a LOT of people were watching our video exchanges on YouTube and had lots to say about us meeting, which was trippy and fun and not really much other than fringe, like the parsely you push off to the side of your plate so you can just enjoy the steak (or is that just me?). When Nick bought a plane ticket, I couldn't believe it. Was he insane? I had no clue what was gonna happen, I mean we'd been hitting it off with a whole lotta state lines between us, but in person things don't always click. Plus, I had no real idea if things would be awkward or romantic or flingy or friendsy. But they were amazing. He was way MORE than I was expecting in all the best ways and I knew by the end of his quick trip that there was something important happening. We pretty much ran with it, there were trips back and forth and love-type feelings stirring. It happened quickly and everything felt right, and perhaps b/c of my past relationships all going sour due to what was missing, all the things I was finding with Nick were things NEW to me. 3 major relationships I'd been in and I never wanted any of the same things they wanted --- simplified: Randy wanted adventure and travel, Jeff wanted long-term partnership, Pedro wanted to live together. I couldn't meet them where they wanted. But with Nick, I found myself longing for all these things and I found very soon that he was and is everything I never knew I always wanted.

We live together now here in the city. He's my best friend. I love him completely and am amazed everyday at how we found each other. My life with him makes my heart swell with joy, and if that ain't some cliched happylovestruck shit then I don't know what is. Chew on that fatty mess.

Summer 2007 brought me Big Love but also Unemployment. I was settled in good at W Hotels, pretty much golden. But nothing gold can stay (The Outsiders: read it) and I left. I became a rancher on Brokeass Mountain for a scary two months before i took a job I ended up leaving promptly due to, uh, issues. Yeah I know I'm being really vague here but shit, with the power of Google at any Employers fingertips, ALL KINDS of information can get pulled up these days and I don't much need Sally from Human Resources finding my blog and knowing if I like coffee or tea or if I'm a top or bottom or what went down at my last job. Know what I mean? But Sally if you're reading, I left on the best of terms and have only good things to say about those fools. And I like Iced Tea. And shame on you for being curious about the other thing.

I'm happy and life is rich. I find myself a little thicker in girth than I'd like, but that's nothing that a better diet and/or laxative can't fix. I LOVE working where I am now, it's a perfect fit for me and I have the full trust and confidence of The Suits. Had big heart to heart recently with my folks about their gay son and his love life (not his Lifestyle). Enjoying my 10th year in NYC and being just one year away from 30. Yup, just loving it. Excuse me while I just let the tremors run their course, the vomiting and cold sweats will subside -- just gimme a minute. Nah, it's cool. As long as I can keep track and remember something major that happened each year I've been here then I'm ok.

1998. I got here. My world opened up.
1999. Apartment fire, couch-surfed for 3 months. First real girlfriend. Lost my virginity. Worked retail.
2000. Graduated. Turned 21. Got my first acting job doing The Outsiders National tour.
2001. Got that MTV pilot, shot 12 indies and did 2 plays. Second real girlfriend. Had sex on a regular basis. 9/11 happened.
2002. Started my blog. Got a job in hotels and health insurance at last. Went gay.
2003. No more roommates. Made a LOT of new friends this year. Met Randy, my first boyfriend. Spent the whole year happy and smiling.
2004. Got dumped. Turned 25. Got cancer. Promotion. Met Jeff and recovered from everything.
2005. Trip to London/Paris. Got a better job. Got dumped.
2006. Met Pedro and got lost in him.
2007. Got dumped. Got over it. Repainted my apartment. Found Nick/life changed. Started a new job.

Of course there was more, most of it is all on this blog, but you get the gist. How's that for plump and juicy? Let it never be said again that I've lost my touch (and yes, it was said by some). I'm back.