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Nip/Tuck Massive Fail

March 3rd, 2010 / No comments

Dear Nip/Tuck,

Are you kidding me with that shit?  That was your series finale?  I can’t recall a sloppier final season of ANY show I’ve ever been a fan of, seriously.  Battlestar Galactica, Six Feet Under, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even the fluffy Felicity.  These shows did an amazing job of wrapping up their final seasons wonderfully, weaving answers and storyline resolutions and even old characters in and out towards the end so that by the finale I was ready for an ending.   I know that Ryan Murphy was focusing on “Glee” most of last year (maybe I should be yelling at him) but I just have to say, you completely fucked this whole thing up.

You gave Matt ALL THAT STORYLINE this season?  WHY?!  And you brought back Julia, the most hated, pathetic character of the entire show (altho Matt took the baton and ran with it)?  You also killed off that amazing hot mess Kimber and completely destroyed Liz, the most amazing lesbian ever — what the hell was the point of making her fall in love with Christian and abandon her sexuality… only to go back to it later?  Well, that’s kind of a lesbian thing anyway I guess.  I did like that you brought Ava back cuz I always felt like there was more of her to see and despise (but secretly love), but honestly you could have made it way more fabulous.  There could have been a storyline with her beating up Kimber and attempting to kidnap Matt’s baby or something, which might have been cool if you’d done it last season or something.  Ugh, you just failed on such epic scales.

You had your high points, I’ll give you that.  The Ava tranny storyline was incredible and had me on the edge of my sofa every week.  Matt’s neo-nazi phase.  Pussy lips.  Crazyass Gina.  Bobbolit.  Stigmata faker.  Liz’s liver theft.  Escobar, alligators.  Sharon Gless and the plush toy thing.  That woman who let her dog lick her peanut butter nipples.  Seperating the siamese twins.  Bradley Cooper.  The obese lady stuck to her sofa.  Rosie as Dawn Budge.  Eve poisoning Julia.  The season 4 finale “Brighter Discontent” singalong that was like that amazing random musical moment in Magnolia.  The Carver.  Oh yes, you took me to so many dark, delicious places and had a fantastic soundtrack playing the entire time.  But you were lopsided and had no stamina.

What I resent more than anything was how you shoved Christan Troy down my throat (ahem) throughout the entire series.  He’s a well hung stud who loves whoring around and destroying his life, I GOT IT —  the straight equivalent of Queer As Folk’s Brian Kinney –  but I didn’t need to see it play out every single week over and over and over.  In case you didn’t notice, Sean McNamara was a hundred times more complex, sexy, and charming in his offbeat way.  Couldn’t you have given him the final shot/scene/dialogue in the show?  He’s the one who actually is about to start something new.  Did it all have to go right back to Christian in some cheesy bar trying to pick up vampy sluts with his slimy “I’m a plastic surgeon” line?  Ugh, just so fucking dissappointed.  Tell Ryan Murphy that the 2nd half of this season of “Glee” had better fucking make up for this shitfest. 

Rather than close this open letter with a point or leave you with something substantial to take with you, I’ll instead leave you hanging with nothing but confusion and a bitter taste in your mouth.  Just like you left me.  Bitch.

Project Jawline

February 28th, 2010 / 12 comments »

So I’m fat.  Currently weighing in at 169 (altho sometimes my scale says 170), I’ve been gaining roughly 10lbs a year for the last 3yrs. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been, I don’t really like what I see when I look in the mirror anymore, and I certainly don’t like how I feel.  My good clothes no longer fit, I have moobs you can see if I wear a T shirt, I’m snoring louder in my sleep, find myself taking an breath when I’m doing something simple like crossing my legs or tying my shoes.  I’m lugging extra weight around and it’s weird, I’m only 30.  I know how I got here too.  It’s a combination of getting older (slower metabolism), loading up on junk (snack cakes, Doritos, LOTS of soda and overly sweetened tea) when I’m feeling munchy, and also eating way too late at night — Domino’s Pizza and spaghetti aren’t supposed to be consumed at midnight before bed.  I also don’t stay hydrated enough and often find myself waking up THIRSTY as hell, stumbling to the kitchen, and taking a big gulp of soda to quench my dryness.  I never grew up eating balanced meals, and spent the last 12yrs on my own in NYC where it’s just cheaper to buy McDonald’s on the way home than buy groceries and make a full meal.  I have no excuses, just answers — I know the reasons why I’ve been gaining weight over the last few years.  It’s not cute.  I want my jawline back.

I chose Medifast for a few reasons.  First, the overwhelming results on display from YouTube to blogs to just people I know in real life who I see dropping TONS of weight (amazingly, they don’t LOOK hungry).  You can’t really argue with results.  Second, I’m lazy.  I don’t really seem to connect the dots when it comes to calories and points and portion sizes, I don’t really understand what you’re supposed to have.  I keep hearing about “good fats”; I thought fats were bad?  Huh?  I know I’ll need to learn more about it but I fear I’ll start confusing myself with contradicting information.  Medifast makes this easy — buy this food, eat 5 packets + prepare 1 basic dinner a day, and lose some weight.  Can’t really mess up a formula that simple, you know?  Plus I like the idea of just surrendering to a plan that’s pre-set, something about that kind of surrender almost takes a pressure off me.  It’s like, just follow it and stay faithful.

Now I DO have some reservations about this.  Fristoff, it’s $300 a month.  Yeah I know everyone says “But you spend more than that on regular food!” … but do I?  I’m sure I have before and could easily, but I sometimes go through periods I don’t eat much at all (that’s also part of my problem) so I think stating I spend over $75 a week on regular foods is a far stretch.  I don’t like the idea of dropping $300 a month on this stuff, esp when I think about what I COULD do with that money instead.  ALSO, people love to say that diets don’t work long-term and that you have to find a way to eat right on your own plus excersize.  So why don’t I just do that?  Why not SKIP the diet part and just cut back on junk and run on a treadmill more?  I cannot say I’ve tried a lot of different ways to lose weight.  I haven’t.  Over the summer I started running and ate less (mostly b/c I was depressed and needed to distract myself) and i DID end up dropping about 7lbs, but it took weeks to do and I was hungry all the time.  THIS is my first real stab at a dietery plan.  At the sime time, I also feel like at some point I will go OFF this diet and then where will I be?  What tools will I have to restructure the way I eat?  I don’t know yet.


Starting weight: 170
Waist: 40
Hips: 38
Chest: 41
Upper Arm: 14
Thigh: 32

I’m approaching this Medifast program like a trial, an investment in my health — unlike luggage or teeth whitening, which we like to SAY is an investment in ourselves but really is just spending excessively.  I’m giving myself a shot here to change what I normally do and hopefully get some results.  One month and I’ll see how it goes.  It’s a starting off point.  My food order arrives on Monday and I’ll begin on Tuesday.  Will it be worth it?  Let’s see.

Facebook Ad

February 4th, 2010 / 11 comments »

I took that $50 I won in the raffle at the holiday party at work we had — the party that was like, an entire month after Christmas but whatever — and I bought myself an adspace on Facebook.

This ad gets me like, 16000 impressions or whatever that means.  I opted for impressions over actual clicks, just cuz I know most ppl tend not to click the ads — but everyone notices them, and if anything like me, sometimes Like them.  If you’re reading this and found my blog through that ad, leave a comment and let me know what you think.  Or ignore me, that’s to be expected.  Ahem.

Curious to see if anything happens.

When Ally Kissed Ling

January 30th, 2010 / 1 comment »

Remember that episode of Ally McBeal where Ally and Ling make out — the one that everybody got all upset about back in the day?  I rewatched it again tonight (FINALLY got my refund from eBay, btw) and WOW, I couldn’t believe how blatantly rampant the homophobic overtones ran through nearly every scene leading up to the kiss.  Throwaway little comments like, “Not that I’d ever WANT to be gay but…” and “As a rule the thought of kissing women is disgusting but kissing certain women is… kind of hot”… seriously, how did GLAAD not go after them for that shit?  Is that kind of disrespectful “being gay is weird” attitude supposed to be OK just b/c they’re following it up with 2 women making out — two women who they make it extremely clear are STRAIGHT, just so nobody feels threatened?  Ugh.

Ling Woo, tho.  Diva.

Inspiration

January 16th, 2010 / No comments

Noel Crane Lives

January 14th, 2010 / No comments

Holy shit.  I just got done watching 2 eps of Ugly Betty (the most recent two) — how adorable is Marc’s new stalker boyfriend, by the way?  And Hilda is the ultimate drag queen, love her.  I wish she had her own spinoff, like a webcam series called Hilda’s Hole In the Wall, where she’d just dance around her salon singing into brushes and wearing her spandex clothes.  SERVE IT.  I’d watch that shit all day every day.  Anyway in this last episode Betty started a blog which somehow got her out of paying backrent — how come shit like that can’t happen to me?  I’ve had this here blog for 8 goddamn years and never been given a rent-free month.

Anyway, it got me thinking about other shows I’ve loved/lived and truth is, there haven’t been that many shows that get me all kinds of invested like that… not much since Felicity.  Got me thinking about season 2 (the best season, I don’t care what people say, the haircut only made her MORE interesting) and then the memory came sailing back at me.  I remembered NoelCrane.com.

It’s still there!  It’s still there and it’s been updated!  I typed up the url already certain the domain would be dead, long forgotten and shut down, figuring some network exec did away with the site years ago while reviewing budget cuts or something.  But no.  It lives.  And Noel Crane lives with it.

Words cannot express how happy this makes me.

RICHARD BUSH (Ashleyna01969) IS A FRAUD!

January 13th, 2010 / No comments

eBay seller Richard Bush (aka Ashleyna01969) scammed me online, shipped me an oldschool edition of the “Ally Mcbeal” DVD box set.  Now I’m bloodthirsty, straight up out for REVENGE.  And a refund, of course.

You are going down, Richard Bush.  I’ve got your number (the right one you thought I didn’t), don’t make me post it.

The TRUTH About My Boyfriend

January 7th, 2010 / 6 comments »
  • Nick is a dreamer.  Most people assume that being Swedish he’s grounded and super-practical,  but he spends a lot of time in his head.
  • He loves tea!  He has a cup of tea tattoo’d above his ankle.
  • Whenever he feels like he has done something wrong, he makes this big eyed/raised eyebrow expression and the corners of his mouth turn down.  Makes me laugh every time.
  • He rented Under Tuscan Sun so many times the video store clerk just told him to keep it.
  • He is very comfortable in jeans, he can sleep in them and wear them all day.
  • He worked as a language teacher in Spain for 4yrs, teaching English as a second language.  He was always poor but says it was the happiest he’s ever been with work.
  • Once in D.C., I saw him do the bend & snap.  He refuses to do it again, I’ve been begging for almost 2yrs.
  • Nick is obsessed with animal noses, particularly cats.  He loves touching them.
  • He has an amazing body and rarely has to work out.
  • When he’s drunk he’ll sometimes imitate Christian Siriano.
  • He is musically inclined but never really indulges it.  I think he’s possibly an amazing cello player but I don’t really know for sure.
  • His father is a bigshot in the Chiropractic world.
  • Nick probably kisses me at least 25 times a day.  He calls them besitos and warned me when we met that they would be excessive.
  • When we go to restaurants he takes his time looking over the menu even if we’ve been there before.  He doesn’t like to rush through the process, I think it’s a European thing.
  • His favorite movie is My Big Fat Greek Wedding, he quotes the characters all the time.
  • He gets free dinners @ Chipotle in midtown b/c the manager thinks he’s hot.
  • He loves watching “Ni Hao, Kai-lan“ and even talks back to the screen.
  • He drove 14hrs nonstop from Iowa to NYC (with a trunkful of his things and screaming cats in the backseat) to start our life together.  He likes to remind me of this when bargaining for something he wants.
  • Nick is a stickler for correct grammar and gets really annoyed when people say, ”and I’s”. 
  • His musical tastes are varied and follow no pattern.  He missed a LOT of the late 90’s American pop craze, so is often catching up.  He pretends to be appalled when I blast oldschool 90’s hip-hop but I think he secretly likes it.
  • He will never feel truly fulfilled until he owns multiple homes around the world and can work from any of them via the web.  This is really important to him.
  • He takes a long time on his hair before leaving the house.  It always looks nice.
  • Nick reads many books on nutrition and holistic health.  He can spout endless facts on all of it at the drop of a hat.
  • He believes his cats are his daemon, like in The Golden Compass.  I tell him you can’t have 2 daemons but he insists they are both his.
  • He pretends to be annoyed by drag queens but actually loves them.  A NYC drag queen named Gusty Winds has a huge crush on him. 
  • He will not dance.  Not at clubs, house parties, or weddings.  No.
  • He recently discovered a cantina in NYC that serves a pineapple jalapeno tequila cocktail, which is now his absolute favorite drink.  Just the mention of it makes him excited.
  • He hates getting caught in the rain.
  • Whenever I go on a bitter rant, Nick makes me say 3 nice things about whatever I just bitched about.  He never lets me off the hook until I do it.
  • When he gets angry, his face gets red and his accent kicks in.  I once saw him go off on some rude lady on a plane and afterwards he looked like a Tomato.
  • He likes it when he sees people (esp strange old ladies) having a great time all by themselves.  He says it makes him want to go be their friend.  As a result of this, he believes he and Ruth Fisher would be best friends if she were real.
  • He believes Ruth Fisher is real.
  • He would love to live in Positano, Italy.
  • He doesn’t think he is the hottest thing since sliced bread.  But he is. 

My Swedish Dreamboat

These are precious nuggets of gold to me, I’m only giving you a few.  There are many sides and layers to my beautiful and amazing (AMAZING!) boyfriend if you only take the time to get to know him.