You know that couple that plays Will & Grace’s loser best friends, Rob & Ellen? I hate them. I LOVE the fact that their characters exist, b/c that’s such an ugly little truth about life: we all have those friends who we stay in touch with simply b/c they’re lives are a little bit suckier than ours (tell me I’m not the only person willing to admit this). Anyway, the two actors who play Rob & Ellen grate my nerves to no end, they just seem TOO EAGER to make their scenes “pop” and make the audience like them. It’s annoying. I get the feeling they were both on a shit sitcom back in the early 90’s, one that got axed after 4 episodes or something, and they think Will & Grace is like their big 2nd chance at sitcom stardom, and that’s why they overplay. They need to take a tip from Fred & Ethel Mertz, the best 2nd banana’s of all-time: you are mere scenery, don’t try to outshine the stars. Just stand there, collect your paycheck, be grateful for the job, and go home. Fred & Ethel knew what was up.

So, I’ve spent the entire morning grossed out about this damn scandal. Rue 57’s right down the street from Hudson, I send hotel guests there every day! On weekends I send twice as many people! The whole story is just disgusting. That poor lady who ate the finger is so gonna win this lawsuit, you can’t tell me she’s not happy about the whole thing. Here’s what I wanna know: how does a kitchen employee accidentally cut their fingertip off — enough of a fingertip for somebody to be able to IDENTIFY IT AS A HUMAN FINGER — and just not tell anybody? I’d be hollering that mess from the rooftops, the first one screaming workman’s comp.

I’m half tempted to head down to midtown this weekend to see all those anarchists dressed like mice. They’re mission statement is that if one mice can scare an elephant away, think of what thousands of mice can do. That’s hysterical. They want reinforcements, namely “marching bands, pissed-off workers, kissing queers, pirates, khaki-clad yuppies, radical gardeners, puppetistas, pagans, fire-eaters, throwers & spitters, billionaires, cheerleaders, and punks-be they crusty or clean!” How can you resist a guestlist like that? If I was more political, or if I was him, I’d have tons of witty things to say about this. But I just think a lot of people dressed like mice will be funny to see.

I watched MTV Cribs today and they were @ Kelly Rowland’s house. Now I’ve made it clear how much Kelly makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop — I feel she gets the shaft for not being as hot or as good as singer as the other Destiny’s Child girls even though she’s pretty with a great body and had a few hit singles under her belt (that “Dillemma” song with Nelly? STILL a damn anthem as far as I’m concerned) — but this episode just depressed me. I felt bad for her, watching her show off all her Destiny’s Child memorabilia, showing us how she’s bought THREE yoga mats and three of everything so that she and the girls can do things together. She doesn’t even know, does she?

Kelly: We’re getting back together, we really are! *stares into the camera with a glazed look in her eye, smiling. Hugs the picture of beyonce and other girl* We’re still a TRIO! They’re gonna be here to start recording out new album any minute! I’m a survivor! Wait! Don’t open that door, don’t open that mother-fucking door, bitch!
The MTV Cribs producer walks into room, finds effigy of beyonce and other girl (Non-Beyonce #2), along with posters and voodoo dolls, loose strands of hair, and toenail clippings.
Kelly: Mr. Poducer, do you want to be Destiny’s Child with me?
Producer of Cribs: Kelly, put the knife down —
Kelly: It’s a microphone, dammit!
Producer of Cribs: Ok, put it down and we’ll talk about joining the group.
Kelly: I’ll sing backup! You can have all the lead vocals!
Producer of Cribs: You’re scaring me.
Kelly: Look, I got some new red weave! it looks pretty! You can stay the blonde one even tho i really wanted to do it!
Prodcuer of Cribs: Somebody call the police.
Kelly: Lets sing now! I don’t want no scrubs, A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me-
Producer of Cribs: That’s not even one of your songs!
Kelly: Oh GOD! *collapses on the floor, holding other girl doll* What the hell happened to my life?!

Ohh Kelly, look around, boo. The girls are not coming back. Michelle’s busy milking the shit out of that Aida mess on fucking Broadway, and Beyonce has forgotten your name. Don’t bother waiting for them outside that recording studio, ok? Take the stuff you bought back to the store for a refund and go buy yourself something nice. You deserve it, you poor mess.

J & L both know a whole lot about trios and rotating members. Menageries. Parties of three-type scenarios. They’ve got a bit of a crush on this spritely lad, it seems… eh, I don’t know about that mess. It sounds so hip and trendy and modern, but I think it’s just weird when you get right down to it. I actually had a similiar little thing going once with a boy&girl when I was touring on a show awhile back, which was playful, sweaty fun for about a week and then it just got weird. Three random fools just can’t get it together (on the romantic tip OUTSIDE of the bedroom), and the ones who do? must be knowing shit the rest of us don’t. Hell, I can barely manage maintaining a relationship with myself. They’re cute boys, though, and I do be digging that minx factor every now and then. It’s sordid shit I have no business knowing about the way I sure as hell do, ya’ll.

(Hi, Tom!)

I’m going to see The Polyphonic Spree @ Irving Plaza tonight. Their first and 2nd CD really has been helping me through some dark times so I can’t wait to see them live. I plan to be one of those freaks jumping up and down with my arms held out, crying and singing along like I’m back @ church. I actually bought two tickets even though I have nobody to take… how sad is that? Wishful thinking will kill you. Shit man, even Zach Braff met somebody during his mothers wake — in fucking Jersey! If that homely bitch can steal the heart of a hottie like Natalie Portman, then how the hell am I going to this show alone? And another thing… If one more person late to the game raves on and on about what a great movie Garden State is and how “it’s EXACTLY the type of movie I’d make if I were a filmmaker!”, I’m gonna start mailing boxes of feces to random homes in New Jersey. Yes, I loved the movie. I thought it was beautifully done and resonant as all hell — I even had that one “home is an imaginary place that’s no longer there” qoute up on this here website for a week! But GOD. Folks are just dying over that shit like it’s THE FILM OF OUR LIVES. I spent the whole time watching (ok crying sometimes) and thinking, “Ok so you’re a moderately successful actor on your own in LA working on a TV show — that’s union work! That’s SAG! Stop crying, already.” Don’t start with the hatemail, folks, I like the movie ok. Still not stepping foot in Jersey, though.

In other news: the Computer Checkup/Auto-Fix feature on AOL 9.0 Optimized is too fucking cool… yet makes me feel powerless. It’s a bit of struggle.